The Chronicles of Descado
3/8/04 Club Shit


3/8/04 Club Shit | My New Years Eve | Headbutts good... Whiskey bad... | Holy statutory rape, Batman!!! | If at first you don't succeed... | JKD vs. Ninjitsu | Things I hate that begin with "T" and end in "aekwondo" | Battle at Zaxby's | Fighting Alcoholic | Don't send me chain letters!!! | Descado for President | My first hate mail | The Asskicking Diary that never went anywhere...

 TREACHERY!!! Club Dread sucks!

Kyle and I went to see it yesterday, and I was actually embarrassed to be seen coming out of this cinematic turd fest.

As soon as I beheld the opening scene, I suspected the same manner of Hollywood-ization that SOOO cripples must fledgling comedians. When they're unknown and just starting out, they're funny as shit. But then they get a smidgen of fame or a single success and BAM!!! They forget everything, as if the humor part of the brain has been sucked right out.

The group behind Club Dread- the aptly named, "Broken Lizard"- is the same bunch of guys that did Super Troopers. I liked Super Troopers; in fact, there were many laugh-out-loud moments in that film. I nearly pissed myself during the "meow" scene.

Unfortunately, Club Dread is simply not funny. It COULD HAVE been funny... It WANTS to be funny... It takes a RUNNING START towards funny... but it trips and falls far before the finish line.

The premise is that this Jimmy Buffet-esque guy named "Coconut Pete", (played by a whored out Bill Paxton, who's best work was in Aliens), owns a tropical island complete with a club med style resort.  Coconut Pete employs a zany staff of characters to cater to his vacationing patrons whose official responsibilities range from "dive master" to "fun police". 

"HEY EVERYBODY!!!  I'm the fun police, and you're under arrest for not having free drinks by the pool!!!"

Awful...  Simply, awful.

Thankfully, staff members start getting hacked up one by one by a machete wielding mystery killer.  The rest of the movie is divided between the surviving staff members running around in terror, and everybody else obliviously partying day and night without realizing that their hosts are dropping like flies.

It's supposed to be campy and wacky and all that stuff, but it's so much of a parody of cheesy horror movies that it ends up parodying itself.  The situational humor is flat and childlike to the point of being kindergarten level, and the characters are so stereotypical that I expected to see an Indian in full head dress and an Eskimo with a harpoon standing in the background.  These guys were TRYING to make a "funny" horror movie spoof, and that's why they failed so miserably.

The only funny moments in Club Dread occur when the members of Broken Lizard forget that they're in a movie, and accidentally let their individual personalities come through.  This is most apparent in the insults each member hurls at the others from time to time.  I can only remember one example, (one guy called some other guy a "menstrual cramp"), but the way they put each other down is clever and hilarious, and you get the feeling that that's how these guys are in real life.  But said moments are few and far between, and the movie overall is an eight dick cluster fuck.  It might become a semi-cult icon like Super Troopers, but I doubt it.

Let's talk about the actors/characters:

"What?!? I totally suck ass?!?"

Jay Chandrasekhar as "Putman": 

Despite a pretty good performance as Arcot "I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!!!" Ramathorn in Super Troopers, there's no possible way that Chandrasekhar's "Putman" could've sucked more ass.  He's supposed to be Indian, (not the drunken casino breed; the ones from India), and drives this home by donning a fake British accent and prissy/proper mannerism.  I'm from Mississippi and I do better "British" than this guy. 

He was absolutely fucking terrible.  Nothing he said or did was funny, and guess what OTHER role he had in the movie.........  Yep, he directed.  I therefore blame the failure of this heinous piece of ferret puke on Jay Chandrasekhar.  As far as I'm concerned, he's got an assbeating coming if I see him on the street. 

No, wait, he's not even WORTHY of a normal assbeating.  It'd be more fitting to do a paper bag job on this guy, which entails sneaking up from behind in a dark parking lot, pulling a thick paper grocery bag over someone's head (a pillow case also works) and beating the crap outta 'em.  Since the person can't see anything, it's also permissible to "accidentally" run over their testicles with your car after it's over.

I'll take "chicks that are hot" for $200, Alex...

Brittany Daniel as "Jenny":

OH MY FUCKING PENIS, THIS GIRL IS FINE!!!  You may already know her as "Brandy" in Joe Dirt, or as Eric Forman's cousin on That 70' Show, but in Club Dread you see her anew as quite possibly the most striking female currently residing on Earth.  Her every spoken word and physical action is pure poetry, (even when she's complaining that her "asshole hurts"), and I can say with absolute certainty that this chick is going places.

As shallow and objectifying as this might sound, Brittany Daniel pretty much saves the movie with her looks.  Every time she appeared in a scene, I found myself staring in wide eyed wonder, my mouth slack jawed and leaking drool.  It wasn't so much lust as it was fascination, though.  She's so pretty that watching her glide across the screen is like watching a meteor storm on a clear night.  While beautiful, both events transcend the acetic and go right into the surreal realm of the sublime.

No shit, she's THAT good looking, and I will probably buy Club Dread when it comes out on video for that reason. 

Brittany Daniel also has a fair bit of acting ability, though I think it's "natural", like Drew Barrymore or Brittany Murphy, who pretty much play the same character (themselves) in any movie they're in.

Mark my words, boys and girls.  There's a new Brittany in town, and she's about to whip some ass!

Yeah, I'd be pissed too, ya fat fuck!!!

Kevin Heffernan as "Lars":

Director/fuckhead Jay Chandrasekhar really screwed up by placing Kevin Heffernan as the male "lead" / romantic love interest of Brittany Daniel's "Jenny".  Yeah, 'cause a chick that fine is gonna go for three hundred and fifty pounds of Farva.  Nigga please!  Kevin would've been best suited to play the machete wielding killer who's stalking the island....  THAT I could believe!!!  THAT could've been funny!!!  But did Jay do it right?  Uh, FUCK no?!?

Kevin's comedic genius is totally wasted in this movie, and I partially blame Kevin himself since his fat ass co-wrote the screenplay. 

Awww...  Did wittle chubby wubby wanna be the hero wero? 

Wrong, bitch!!!  You're comic relief and that's all you're ever gonna be!!!  Accept it, and use your talents as they were meant to be used, ("I don't wanna large Farva!  I wanna god damn liter-a-cola!!!").

The only funny part about Kevin's performance is when he made Brittany Daniel have an orgasm simply by touching a pressure point on her face.  That one scene was almost enough to make up for the suckiness that IS "Lars"......... but not quite.

Juan hittin' on some chick and super hot Brittany Daniel

Steve Lemme as "Juan":

The only comedic performance that could actually be characterized as "comedic" belongs to Steve Lemme.  He plays the Hispanic dive instructor "Juan", and his blatantly stereotypical depiction of a horny Latino ladies' man is money in the bank.  Lemme's "Juan" is kind of like "Fez" from That 70's Show, in that his humor comes from a good natured naivety and an unfamiliarity with American culture.  Except that "Juan" is ultra suave, and he'll lay the pipe at the drop of a hat, (or sombrero).

Like Brittany Daniel, this guy will probably go places, as he's genuinely funny and boasts some solid acting skills.

How's it going, Captain Sellout?

Bill Paxton as "Coconut Pete":

Ah, William, you ignorant road whoring slut...  How I weep for you. 

Bill Paxton is to Club Dread, what Brian Cox was to Super Troopers: a well know actor in a sea of otherwise unknown faces.  In both cases, said actor does an admirable job, but I think the good Mr. Paxton is gonna glean a trip to the all-you-can-eat shit buffet for being in Club Dread.

Don't get me wrong, he did a believable "Coconut Pete", but this movie was beneath him.  Still, it was fun seeing him play a poor man's Jimmy Buffet, and I kept imagining him going apeshit towards the end when the power to the resort gets cut.


As I said before, "Hudson" from Aliens is the best character Paxton every played, and it might just be his career that's "game over".

"I gotta question, how do I get outta this chicken shit movie?"

Nobody cares...

A bunch of other people as "everybody else in the movie":

None of the other actors/characters warrant mention in this review because they sucked unfathomable amounts of ass.  The guys were hammy and goofy, and the girls were no more than eye candy............   MUCH WELCOMED eye candy, but eye candy nonetheless. 

With regards to the latter, one of the only redeeming factors in Club Dread were the tits.  This tall brunette in the beginning of the film has one of the best racks I've EVER SEEN on camera or in real life.  They weren't big enough to be fake, so I can only assume that the God of Breasts descended from Boobdom to endow this girl with perfection.  I'm pretty sure her name is Elena Lyons, and I'll try to find a picture of her.



Well, that's about it for Club Dread.  The direction is horrible, the plot formulaic, the characters two dimensional and the cinematography pedestrian at best.  I don't remember any songs from the sound track, so I'll bet it licks balls too.  I'd compare Club Dread to one of the latter Police Academy movies, (like, AFTER Guttenberg left), except that it's even LESS funny.

For you die hard Super Trooper fans, wait for the video.  You'll be pissed if you go see this in the theater.  For Jay Chandrasekhar, that's ya ass, bitch!!!  I'm gonna pull your nuts out through your rectum and leave 'em hanging so it looks like you're perpetually shitting your own balls!!!  And finally, for Brittany Daniel.......  I love you.  Please come back.  I don't care that you stole the ice trays when you moved out.  It was my fault, all of it, right down to the shit-stained underwear I accidentally left on your pillow.  Mr. Jingles misses you, and so does Stanley.

You... complete... me....