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February 4th, 2005:
A few moments ago,
I received this:
***
Do you believe in
“The Luck of the Irish”? If so, follow the instructions in the below
email…
First, a few testimonials:
“I
don’t know if it works, but I won a new fridge full of various cool drinks from Beyer & Beyer last week.” - Stephanie Moron, Hackensack New Jersey
“This may
sound nuts, but my husband got this the other day and sent it off. About ten
minutes later, a really good financial windfall happened for his son, Sean, who he had sent it to as well, (one of the people
Sean sent it to was responsible for the windfall).” - Donna McFullashit,
Nashville Tennessee.
“I
do not know if it works, but I won a le microwave yesterday. Seems like it, Hey!!! Good luck to everyone! And may all your
dreams come true!!!” - Frederick Dumbass, Paris France
AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP
WISH
May there always
be work for you hands to do.
May your purse always
hold a coin or two.
May the sun always
shine on your windowpane.
May a rainbow be
certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of
a friend always be near you.
May God fill your
heart with gladness to cheer you.
Okay, this is what
you have to do… send this to all of your friends! But- you HAVE to send
it within one hour from when you open it!
Now, make a wish!!!
I hope you made
your wish. Now then, if you send it to:
1 person --- your
wish will be granted in 1 year
3 people --- 6 months
5 people --- 3 months
6 people --- 1 month
7 people --- 2 weeks
8 people --- 1 week
9 people --- 5 days
10 people --- 3
days
12 people --- 2
days
15 people --- 1
day
20 people --- 3
hours
If you
delete this after you read it, you will have 1 year of bad luck! But, if you
send it to at least two of your friends, you will automatically have 3 years of good luck!!!
J
***
I usually let crap
like this go… but, are we honestly putting stock in MAGIC emails now?!? Think
about it, if you do what this electronic note says, a single wish will be granted within 3 hours to 1 year, depending on how
many people you forward it to.
Wow, imagine the
power!!!
I’m replying
to all the addresses on this email, and I’m also going to blind copy everyone on my michaeldescado.tripod.com website
list, (why BLIND copy? Because only an inconsiderate asshole would send out a
list of viewable email addresses in the <To:> field).
That’s a lot
of people, folks, which means I should be ruling the entire world in about two hours, fifty nine minutes.
Oh yeah,
that’s my wish… to rule the fucking world! And don’t even think
about trying to counter-wish me, because by then it will be too late! My first
act as Supreme Overlord will be to declare this email’s magic null and void. In
fact, I’ll probably mandate that all other magic in the world works only for me… ya know, just in case.
What will I do as
Supreme Overlord of Planet Earth? Hmmm…
That’s a tough one. And since I only have three hours to come up
with a plan of action, I’m gonna go ahead and make a list of my top twenty.
- George Bush will be impeached and I will assume his duties as Master of the Universe. Let’s face it, America rules the
world anyway, so being President of the United States is pretty
much the same thing. Then again, President Mike doesn’t sound all that
authoritative, so my official title will be, “Pimplord D”. The “D”
can stand for Destruction, Domination, Debauchery- even Descado. I’ll let
my new supplicants decide.
- The National Guard will be employed to go door-to-door and take a country wide census, subsequently collecting
one U.S. dollar from every citizen, (all non-citizens will be deported to Canada). The sum of all those dollars will be deposited into my personal no-fee checking account
at Asheville Savings Bank in Asheville North Carolina. I will also require a new customized debit card with pictures of skulls and shit on
it… ‘cause I’m a bad ass.
- The White House will be turned into low-rent housing, and the nation’s capitol will be moved
from the shit hole that IS Washington D.C., to an unknown
location in the Colorado Rockies… preferably a
hollowed out volcano.
- All U.S. troops will be recalled home,
thus abandoning their posts in other countries so that the rest of the world can tear itself apart. Hey, if it’s not America, (or a place
with oil), we really don’t care, right?
- Said recalled troops will no longer be divided into Army, Navy, Air force, or Marines, but will merge
instead into a single super force that I will refer to as “Minions of the Pimplord”. Old school green/khaki camouflage fatigues will be discarded in lieu of white Storm Trooper uniforms (like
in Star Wars), and NASA scientists will immediately collaborate all their efforts towards the development of laser rifles…
ya know, to complete the effect. (Side note: The U.S. Coast Guard and Boarder
Patrols will maintain their names, duties and uniforms to keep any damn dirty foreigners from getting in after the rest of
the world falls into anarchy.)
- Once gathered, equipped and reeducated, the Minions of the Pimplord will be halved into two groups and
sent to Los Angeles and New York
respectively, there to cull any and all hot female performers from the entertainment industry and relocate them to my secret
volcano lair in the Colorado Rockies. Afterwards, Los Angeles
and New York will be destroyed by the newly developed NASA laser blasters until
not a single male actor, singer, writer, director or producer is left alive. All
movies and concerts from then on will star me and Kiera Knightly, along with a host of random/buxom actresses that we’ll
have gratuitous sex scenes with.
- All male porn stars will be de-genitaled, but otherwise left alive to serve as slave eunuchs.
- After my first year in the new Volcano House- during which I will enjoy much “swallow pleasure”
courtesy of Angelina Jolie- I shall emerge to give a State of the Union Address so moving, that all of America
will swarm to my banner. (Said banner being a black flag with a white skull on
it, kinda like the Jolly Roger, except that it will have crossed penises instead of crossed thigh bones.)
- Health care will be socialized, taxes lowered, welfare cut, social security increased, teachers’
pay doubled, abortion federally funded, immigration ended, the first amendment enforced, and the Death Penalty will become
law in all fifty states. Though attendance will certainly NOT be mandatory, said
Death Penalties will be carried out publicly… and by piranha pool. All
convicted murderers will be dropped into a small concrete lake filled with flesh eating fish.
Along those same lines, all convicted rapists and child molesters will be lashed to a stake, then to have a rope tied
around their genitals… the other end tied to a elephant my Storm Troopers will piss off by flaunting a delicious bag
of peanuts some hundred yards away. You get the idea.
- The jury system will be reworked so that only those with a 100 Intelligence Quotient or greater will
be eligible for service. In addition, applicants must have at least ONE college
degree from an accredited university… and in a field that actually means something, like science, or history, or even
sociology. People applying for jury duty on the strength of an art degree, or
a physical education degree, will be pimp slapped by the court bailiff and sent home naked and smeared with goat’s blood.
- In reference to #9 and #10, all criminal defense lawyers will share the fate of their defendants, (unless
state appointed, because, well, THOSE lawyers wouldn’t have a choice).
***
The first
Amendment: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or
abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government
for a redress of grievances.
***
- Like I said before, the first Amendment will be strictly enforced.
Yet, those characterized as “paparazzi” will fall outside the protection of the law, thus subject to vigilante
justice without reprimand to the acting vigilante(s).
- The tax code will be revised so that all Americans pay a flat, 10% fee on their gross income. Deductions will be allotted only for charitable expenditures, scientific education, monuments erected to
me, and- of course- condoms.
- Critical thinking skills will be taught from grades 1 through 12; courses in ADVANCED logic & rationality,
part of every college curriculum.
- Though contrary to #14, it will become a scientific fact that average male penis size is three and a
half inches… making me “hung”.
- After laser blaster technology has been securely tested, (through trial and error via my Storm Trooper
assault on New York and Los Angeles),
NASA scientists will shift their research interests to the development of E.M.P. weapons.
Satellites capable of unleashing directed Electromagnetic Pulses will then be launched into the upper atmosphere, eventually
to be deployed during my third year of reign. All countries not part of the N.A.T.O.
alliance, (in addition to those like Canada, that just piss
me off), will be sent back into the dark ages; the sum of their electronic armada, rendered moot. (Side note: I expect to get some flack from #16, but, when
you think about it, America already polices the world; our will thusly imposed whether other countries like it or not. I’m not gonna be another George Bush, but the damage has already been done,
and I suspect that crippling our enemies- both present and potential- is a lot easier than trying to repair four years of
asinine foreign policy.)
- Marijuana will be legalized the world over; but the proceeds of its sale will be taxed at 20%,
(instead of the flat 10%), along with cigarettes and alcohol. Hey, if people
wanna kill themselves, let ‘em! But they need to pay for that privilege,
and I say this as an American citizen who drinks quite a bit. No, I don’t
smoke pot. Yet, I’m still objective enough to see that this kind of taxation
will provide the funding for more important government programs… like laser blasters, and E.M.P. weapons. Harder drugs, like cocaine and heroine, will still be illegal, and that’s why I’ll deploy my
Storm Troopers into Mexico and Central/South America to wipe
out the drug czars.
(America
tried this once before, by the way- during the first Bush Administration before Clinton. Only, we didn’t do it on the scale that I’M purposing. No secret missions this time, I’m talking about a wholesale crusade to wipe out drug production. If we can subdue a nation like Iraq, then a “sweep and clear” south of
the boarder is a walk in the park!)
- Again citing the first amendment, censorship will come to an end during my reign. If you don’t wanna watch, if you don’t wanna listen… then, DON’T!!! The entertainment industry can only prosper within the accepting arms of an audience. This trend is already in place, but I plan to make it far more widespread.
ABC showing someone’s ass on NYPD Blue has just recently become acceptable, but we’ve got a long way to
go as a society. I agree with T.V. ratings, I agree with parental warnings…
but, after that, take the gloves off! If you’ve ever been to Europe,
if you’ve ever been to Japan, (as I have), then you
know that television is a lot less stifled in those places. Okay, so you wanna
keep your kid from seeing sexual intercourse. Fine. Education is a far more powerful tool than suppression. Remember
when you were fifteen, and your parents declared that you could NOT date this person or that?
What’d that make you do? That’s right! It fed your desire to do the exact thing you were warned against!
I say, SHOW boobies! I say, SHOW asses!
I say, let it all hang out! Once sex loses its mystery, it loses its rebellious
appeal. Inform your children truthfully, give ‘em the facts, make them
aware of the benefits as well as the danger, and then they’ll have a GENUINE idea of what they’re getting into. Trying to label sex as a bad thing, (given the inherent nature in us all to reproduce),
is the same as “daring” a young person to find out for themselves.
- John Stewart from the Daily Show will be appointed as my Vice Pimplord.
That guy is a genius, and if you haven’t seen his program on Comedy Central, then you’re depriving yourself.
- After the non-N.A.T.O. countries are in ruin, (on account of my unprovoked E.M.P. attack), America
will expand- slowly but surely- across the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
Ivory clad Storm Troopers will “Liberate” the fuck out of those that oppose my will; subduing them certainly-
but under the expressed offer of becoming the fifty first, or fifty second, of fifty third U.S.
state. Over time, the world will become one big America,
and then things like race or creed or religion won’t be such an issue. Everyone
will be allowed their own god, (under the constitution). Everyone will be allowed
their own social customs, (under the constitution). Everyone will be allowed
their own ideals, (under the constitution).
I keep saying “under
the constitution” because it’s a fantastic document, (in it’s original form, anyway), and it makes sense. Freedom is given to everyone, as long as that freedom doesn’t impose on anybody
else’s. Your freedom extends in all directions- up to and no further than-
the freedom of your fellow man.
This is the utopia
I will begin in the next two hours and fifty nine minutes, all thanks to a magical email.
It is my wish… and it will bloom to fruition only when the world, as a whole, can distinguish between individual
truth, and collective fact.
There’s no
such thing as good and evil, my supplicants. What is “good” to you,
is “evil” to someone else. There is only harmony and chaos, and my
Storm Troopers will insure that you choose the former, rather than the later. Such
is the way it’s always been…
Your Pontiff,
-Mike
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