Top five reasons being an alcoholic makes me a better fighter.

1. Charm: I am, by nature, a pretty funny guy. I once went out with a girl from Russia that had to end our date prematurely because she was laughing so hard. Ladies and Gentlemen, she soiled herself! I shit you not, (pardon the pun).

Anyway, augmenting my inherent charisma with hard liquor is like augmenting Cameron Diaz's breasts with silicone. The original was great, but the new and improved is SUBLIME!!! Just get me "half in the bag" and I become everyone's friend. This works well in the venue of fighting because I playfully disarm most volatile situations before they escalate. Of course, this does indeed backfire every once in a while, specifically on those rare occasions when someone takes one of my comments the wrong way. For example, I once told this guy that he must have a real good since of humor to date the "future lesbian" by his side. He didn't think it was nearly as funny as I did, and a fight ensued. This leads me to my next point:

2. Relaxation: In my opinion, fights are won or lost in the mind. Skill definitely plays a part, conditioning too, but unless your head is in the game, (or you've trained enough to react without conscious thought), you won't perform to your fullest potential. Now, when you're drunk all the time- like I am- you exist in a perpetual state of relaxation. Fear rarely comes into the equation, and you're far more likely to haul off and belt somebody in the chops for talking smack.

"But, Mike," you say, "Those aren't good things! Fear keeps us sharp, and suckerpunching people is dishonorable and against the law!"

Oh contraire. Fear will destroy you. It causes you to freeze, it causes you to hesitate, and the resulting adrenaline saps your endurance. Can it be mastered? Yes, but it's not easy, and alcohol is so much better. A few dozen shots of Crown Royal, and you do not "fear" to initiate the first strike.

Keep in mind, this strategy takes a wee bit of practice to employ because intoxication impairs reaction time. The solution? TRAIN DRUNK!!! Training drunk allows you to slowly but surely develop reaction and judgement skills the same way as you develop footwork. Try it, but don't forget to bring a bucket the first time because you will vomit.

3. Acceptance of Others: This is my favorite, and in some ways, it's related to #1. People are too intolerant of other people, and that's what causes fights. For example, my new roommate is gay, (a fact I've only discovered recently). Normally, I'd be kind of uneasy- you know, putting locks on my bedroom door, NOT sleeping on my stomach, getting soap on a rope, etc. But, since I'm drunk all the time, I embrace his diversity without judgement. Nay, I celebrate his corn holing lifestyle in all its homosexual glory! After all, are we not brothers of the same species?

This general brand of acceptance also extends to acts of generosity, like me going home with toothless chicks. Let's face it, I'm a staggeringly handsome man, but there's more to life than being really, really, really, ridiculously, good looking, and if I was all "sober" and stuff, I'd only date super models. People, that is NOT fair! Toothless chicks need love too, and after a fifth of Nighttrain, all women are beautiful. Which leads me to my next point:

4. Plausible Deniability: Being an alcoholic allows you to deny involvement in any situation without having to really lie. For example:

"No Ossifer, I would NEVER give beer to a donkey," or "I didn't hit him with a waffle iron, he fell. Uh, on a rake. Um, face first."

If you said that to a police officer while you were sober, you'd undoubtedly start laughing, or go red in the cheeks, or look down and to the left. Cops are TRAINED to know when you are lying, the course is called "Wicklander/Zelowski", (forgive my spelling). Unfortunately, for the law, systematic analysis of body language goes right out the window when the subject is hammered. You can even use that as an excuse when you don't call back a toothless chick.

Medusa: **SLAP** "Mike, you son of a bitch! Why didn't you call me? And how the hell did my cat get pregnant?"

Drunken Mike: **shrugs nonchalantly** "Sorry lady, hammered...  And your whore of a cat was asking for it."

It's just that easy!!!

I realize by now that most of you are anxious for me to wrap this up so you can run out to the liquor store, but please bear with me for one last benefit.

5. Health: Once your body gets used to the constant influx of alcohol, it begins to incorporate it advantageously. For example, I haven't been sick in eleven years. That's not a joke, that's not an exaggeration- I LITERALLY haven't been sick in eleven years. Why? Because nothing foreign can live in my blood stream. I'm like one of those aliens Segorney Weaver used to hang out with. My blood has become concentrated acid capable of destroying any virus, bacteria, or laminate, and it's all thanks to life as an alcoholic. Remember, a healthy fighter is a happy fighter, and you can't train when you have the flu.

Well, that's about it. As usual, if you disagree with anything written above, you're a dipshit.