A few months ago, I had a knock down, drag out, balls to the wall fight, and I wanted to post it here so that others can learn from my mistakes. Don't get me wrong, I won, but I got banged up pretty bad, and misery loves company.

Anyway, so I go out to get something to eat one night, and since we'd recently gotten our first Zaxby's in town, I went for chicken. Now, I never go through the drive through, (because if my order gets screwed up, I want somebody within arm's reach that I can beat the crap out of), so I parked and made to go in.

On my way across the parking lot, I couldn't help but notice a trio of shady looking guys standing over by a older model Chevy Camero. They were thug wannabe types, you know, baggy pants, baseball caps on sideways, wife beater tank tops, etc. None of 'em were really that big, (the heaviest guy was maybe 6 foot even, 185 pounds), but they looked like they would shoot somebody without thinking twice about it.

I kept 'em in my peripheral vision the whole time, but didn't make eye contact. I thought I heard one of them say something like, "pretty boy", but I wasn't sure, so I just went inside to get my food, ('cause I was hungry).

Here's when things got dicey.

So I come out with my six piece chicken strip meal to find these guys over by MY car now. One of 'em is actually sitting on my trunk smoking a cigarette. Naturally, I'm instantly pissed.

They start laughing as I approach, so I go up to the biggest one and say,

"Excuse me, kind sir, but I'm gonna have to ask you to get the FUCK OFF MY CAR!!!"

Being the smart ass I am, I really couldn't resist the "Excuse me, kind sir" part, which was ironic since none of these punks were over twenty five. The biggest one, (the one on my car), he laughs again and spits his freaking cigarette out at me! The damn thing was lit, and it burned a hole in my brand new Tommy Hilfiger T-shirt. I was so pissed and dumbfounded that I did the weirdest thing. I turned to my left and threw my chicken finger dinner right into the face of one of the OTHER thugs! I don't know what came over me, I just did it, even though it was the bigger guy, (the guy in front of me), that spit the cigarette.

Well, if you know anything about Zaxby's, you know they give you a CRAPLOAD of sauce, and since I love that super spicy mustard stuff, my opponent got a face full of it right in the eyes. I'd never used spicy mustard as a weapon, nor chicken fingers for that matter, but it worked. The guy I 'sauced' starts freaking out and rubbing his eyes, and the other two were so distracted, they weren't even looking at me anymore. Keep in mind, this all happens in a couple of seconds, but I turn back and unleash a straight left hand right into the face of the guy on my car. It was like a one, two beat... Throw chicken, punch redneck... Splat, BAM!!!

Picture perfect cross if I do say so myself, and since I'd turned left to throw the chicken, I came back around with full rotation. I caught him just above the ear, and he falls over sideways and hits the concrete. I don't think I KO'd him, but he wasn't getting back up anything soon. Again, we're talking about seconds here, and what happened next was a surprise.

BAM! I get taken down.

It seems the third among them, (the smallest, by the way), is a freaking collegiate wrestler! How did I know this? Well, his double leg takedown was flawless, but it was only when I hit the ground and the guy pinned me that I knew for sure. His tank top had OHIO STATE WRESTLING stamped in the back of it.

Well, the guy was good, damn good, but he really didn't have the size to dominate. I was shrimp crawling from the time I hit the ground, and he was in my guard about two seconds after that. The guy tried a few punches by I just bucked him away with my hips, then sweeping him over with a beautiful Japanese Elevator. I had the mount, but the other guy, Mr. Sauce Face, is coming to the rescue by now, so I rolled away and got to my feet. I didn't have time for anything fancy, so I stuck him with a side kick. No skip step mind you, just a stop hit.

It stopped him cold, but he immediately starting cussing and ran at me with fists flying. I circled off to the right and stuck him with a pair of jabs, one of which cut him above the eyebrow. But Mr. Sauce Face was tough, and he came again. Well, this time I had the distance to set up, and I NAILED him with a Thai kick. Dead on too, my shin to his thigh. He was advancing, so all his weight was on the leg I hit.

Mr. Sauce Face goes down, (probably with a cracked femur), and that's about the time...

(Okay, in the "factual" version of this story, I got blindsided by the little collegiate wrestler that took me down the first time. I didn't lose consciousness, but I was dazed and ostensibly out for the count. Fortunately, our little scuffle had attracted the attention of the patrons within Zaxby's, and somebody had already called the cops. The three guys got away, and I had to fill out a police report and go home with an egg-sized knot on my head and NO CHICKEN!!! That ending sucks, so I'm gonna rewrite it, and I'm gonna give myself ninja powers. Here goes.)

Mr. Sauce Face goes down, (probably with a cracked femur), and that's about the time I heard the click of a rifle bolt. The little one, the wrestler, had a sawed off 460 Wetherby Magnum pointed right at my head. For those of you who don't know, a 460 Wetherby Magnum is a big game rifle used for hunting Rhinos and Dinosaurs. The bullet's about as big as my middle finger, (which many people can tell you is pretty big).

I hate using my ninja powers in public, but I really had no choice, so I went into "Matrix Mode" and arched back as the kid opened fire. Anytime I do this, time slows down so that I can actually see the bullets whizzing by like they were underwater. It's really cool, but it takes a lot out of me, and I knew I had to end the fight quickly. The kid goes to reload, and he almost made it, but I changed into a flying barracuda and ate him.

So now I'm in some pretty shit because not only have I eaten someone, the other two have seen my ninja powers. I had no choice but to liquidate them.

Changing back into my normal form, I summoned a pair of tornadoes to carry the remaining thugs away. I'm not sure where they landed, but I'm guessing the Swannanoa River. Like I said, it turned out to be a victory, but I'm pretty banged up from the kid I ate. I've been on the toilet all morning, and his skull came out sideways. I wouldn't say this under any other circumstances, but I think the colonic horrors to come would go easier if I'd been born a gay man. Know what I mean?