...by Spiderman 2.

Holy fucking crap did this movie rule! I should've known I was destined for two hours of greatness when- after paying the price of admission, and an additional thirty bucks for popcorn- I walked up to the usher and got kicked square in the nuts. Said usher was a fifteen year old girl with no boobs and a face not even "Chunk" from The Goonies could envy.

She was all, "Excuse me sir, can I tear your ticket?"

And I was all, "Sure."

And she was all, "Spiderman 2, eh? That's theater six. Two down on the right. The previews haven't- hey! What's that on your shirt?"

As soon as I looked down, the dorky little bitch football punted my crotch. I doubled over, I dropped my popcorn, and the tiniest nugget of crap escaped my rectum.

Me: * gasp * "Are you insane?" * cough * "What the hell did you do that for?!?"

Boobless Bitch: "I just wanted to give you a taste of the assbeating you're about to receive in that theater. Spiderman 2 is gonna RUIN YOUR SHIT, and best you know it beforehand! Now, drag your faggotly ass up and get in there!!! And take all this popcorn with you!!!"

With shaking hands and the taste of vomit in my mouth, I shoveled as much popcorn as I could back into the bucket, then eating handfuls of it right off the floor. For the record, I would've hit her back, but my testacles were so completely retracted into my pelvis, that I couldn't stand upright. Anyway, crawling on hands and knees, I scuttled down the hall to theater 6, went inside, and took a seat.

Now, I've always believed that one can judge the merit of a film based on the previews shown before it, and Spiderman 2 gave me a little scare. The first trailer was for yet another Tim Alan family shit carnival called Crank my Christmas, or something like that. Jamie Lee Curtis costars, and she's really let herself go since True Lies. I used to think she was hot, but now she looks like my seventh grade geometry teacher, who had a penis.

Then came the trailer for Blade:Trinity, which will probably suck because Wesley Snipes is in it, and he's black. On the other hand, funny-as-shit costar Ryan Reynolds may just carry the movie all by himself. You may remember Reynolds from National Lampoon's Van Wilder, which is based on a true story... about me.

If you haven't seen Van Wilder, you might as well stop reading right now because you're not worthy to see good movies. Die.

There were a few more trailers, but the only other one I can remember is Catwoman. Oh... God... No... I can't believe Halle Berry signed on to star in this fanfare of Hollywood shit. She's an OSCAR WINNER for fuck's sake! Didn't she know she was committing career suicide when she read the script?!?

Good thinking, whore. But may I offer a suggestion? How 'bout next time you stick to what you're good at, which is getting FUCKED from behind by Billy Bob Thornton. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

I'm tired of talking about trailers, so let's move on to Spiderman 2. In a nutshell, this movie rocked! I haven't seen a film this cool since Ridley Scott's Gladiator, and that was four years ago. There's a lot to talk about, so lemme' break things down.

First, the story: Spiderman 2 picks up where Spiderman 1 left off, finding Peter Parker constantly fucking up because of his "secret life" as a super hero, (and, as a coming of age gay man. For some reason, the producers decided to make his character homosexual this time around). He's flunking out of school, he can't keep a job, and his pseudo girlfriend, Mary Jane Watson, is bitching because Peter is always showing up late or not at all. The stress of trying to balance everything is starting to get to Peter, and he longs to have a life of his own, a life away from being Spiderman. Coincidentally, his powers begin to fade, and this, to me, is the only problem with the plot.

In a moment of selfish despair, Peter takes off his costume and throws it in a garbage can, then proclaiming, "I am Spiderman no more". Yeah, uh huh, like you had a fucking choice! If your powers are going away, then guess what? YOU'RE NOT SPIDERMAN!!! It's not a decision, it's what happens when you turn back into a geek. It would've been far more logical had he "chosen" to not be Spiderman while his super powers were still intact. As it stands, the temporary loss of said powers, (which is never really explained), is an unnecessary plot device, and should've been cut from the script.

Still, this is a minor, minor thing.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a scientist named Dr. Otto Octavius is porking around with some metal robot tentacles that attach to his spine. The tentacles allow him to handle floating balls of liquid hot magma, which are supposed to provide the world with unlimited free energy or something lame like that. But oh crap, something goes wrong, and the tentacles become permanently fused with his body. That's pretty cool in itself, but the tentacles are evil, and they make the good doctor turn evil as well. Presto, instant villain! What ensues is a rampage of asskicking destruction through New York City, Peter Parker conveniently getting his powers back just in time to do battle with the appropriately named, Doc Ock.

The scrotum-hating ticket girl was right, this movie RUINED MY SHIT!!! It was so good that I had to suppress the urge to jerk off right there in the theater. I probably would have if this kid and his uncle weren't already masturbating two seats over from me. I don't like peer pressure.

Let's talk about the actors:

I'm mentioning this guy first because, well, he rules the fucking earth! Early casting rumors slated Sam Neill of Jurassic Park fame for this role, and I remember feeling a bit disappointed that Molina got the part instead of Neill. Of course, I'm a dumbass for thinking that because Molina IS Doc Ock. He's not assuming a role here, people; and if you saw how Hugh Jackman brought Wolverine to life in X-men, then you know exactly what I'm talking about.

OH MY GOD this guy was badass!!! And sooo much better than Willem Dafoe's Green Goblin in Spiderman 1. That's what was wrong with the first film: the villain sucked. Dafoe's a good actor, but he went WAY over the top doing the goblin, and when I watch the movie on video, I always fast forward through the parts with him in it. Maybe it wasn't his fault, though, as the dialogue they gave him to say was pure ass. Anytime you hear a bad guy conclude a menacing sentence with the words, "And it's only the beginning!", you know you're watching shit. I mean, who the fuck writes a line like that?!? That's like me saying, "Thanks to Enzyte natural male enhancement, soon my penis will be four inches long, and it's only the beginning! MUHOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"

See? Stupid. Totally fucking stupid.

But let's get back to Molina, whose face struck me as strangely familiar the first time it popped up on screen. I kept thinking, where have I seen this guy before? And then it hit me. Molina was the sniveling little shithead who tried to dick over Indiana Jones at the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Remember when they're running out of the cave after Indiana steals the golden head of Buttlordia or whatever it was?

"Toss me the whip!" But Molina didn't toss him shit, instead flashing an evil grin and sneering, "Adios, senor..."

Too bad he ran right into a booby trap that skewered his ass with spikes a second later. I've got a similar setup in my basement- ya know, just in case I decide to hide treasure down there, or someone tries to use the washer without asking.

Molina's come a long way since then, and he plays Doc Ock with just the right mix of comic book malice and true to life humanity. Everything he does- from robbing a bank, to kidnapping Mary Jane- he does for a believable reason. If super villains were real, they'd speak and move and react exactly the way Molina does, which is a quantum leap above stock movie bad guys who appear to be sadistically mean for no other reason than it's written in the script. This is where Dafoe failed so miserably in Spiderman 1. No one just stands around twirling their mustache and rubbing their hands together. I'd kick a guy's ass for doing that. No, he genuinely scary onscreen evildoers are the ones you can imagine meeting in a dark alley, and Doc Ock is one of those.

Ironically, the robot metal tentacles are just as skilled at acting as Molina is. I couldn't tell if they were CGI or animatronic or what, but they looked utterly real and disturbingly alive, like giant silver snakes or something. Awesome. Whoever did the special effects on this bad boy is gonna win an Oscar.

All and all, the presence of a worthy super villain really made the movie for me. Moving on...

I wasn't much of a comic book nerd growing up, so I don't know if Maguire is like the original character, but he certainly creates a believable Spiderman for the casual moviegoer. Like Molina, he keeps it real, and that's why this film works. He's super fast and super strong and all that jazz, but he's also a struggling young man with emotional and financial problems. Unlike Superman and Clark Kent, (who are totally different), Peter Parker and Spiderman are the same guy- as it should be unless wearing a costume completely changes your personality. Both personas are flawed but noble, dorky but cool, dogged but steadfast, and you can't help but root for the underdog.

Maguire does a fantastic job of making the audience BELIEVE he's actually going through these ordeals- from losing his powers, to losing Mary Jane- and that's a hard thing to do when you're playing a guy who wears red and blue spandex. It was a great performance, but I don't know how the fuck they're gonna make a third movie. By the end of this one, everybody knows Spiderman's identity. Mary Jane knows, Harry Osborne knows, Doc Ock knows, about fifty people on a train know, oh, and some random doctor that diagnoses Peter's diminished powers by saying, "Maybe you're not meant to climb walls."

Huh? Meant by whom? Which one of you screen writer hacks penned that gem of a line?!? He's supposed to be a physician, not a philosopher. Fuck off.

Man, what the shit?!? I can't tell if this girl is hot or not! In Spiderman 1, she was SMOKING! But in Spiderman 2, she looks strung out on heroine. Her complexion is blotchy and pale, and there's enough oil on her cheeks and forehead to put her in danger of "liberation" by the Bush administration. Granted, the obligatory wet tee-shirt scene stolen from the original movie was nice, but here again we're hit with a country crock of ambiguity. Depending on the camera angle, Kirsten has firm perky funbags some of the time, and old lady boobs the rest. I don't think she's using a body double either, I think she's what's known as a "two rack". Derived from the Seinfeldian term, "two face", Kirsten is one of those rare and frustrating women whose breasts are molecularly unstable, and thus exist in a constant state of flux. I'd imagine hooking up with her is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

But that was my only complaint with Kirsten. At least she HAS boobs now. Remember her nude scene in Interview with the Vampire? When she was like, EIGHT YEARS OLD?!? What a disappointment, I almost didn't get a hard on. Then as now, however, her acting is superb, and she pulls off her character perfectly.

To give an end-spoiling example, after Doc Ock is vanquished, (or is he?), Mary Jane runs away from her own wedding with some astronaut to be with Peter, who she now knows is also Spiderman. Peter previously told Mary Jane that they could never be together because his alter ego would always have enemies, and said enemies would go after those close to him. This line of reasoning is total horseshit, because Mary Jane has been kidnapped and almost killed in both movies thus far, so, they might as well be fucking.

In full wedding dress, Mary Jane busts into Peter's apartment and confronts him, then saying that it should be HER choice, not his, and she chooses to be with him. They start making out, and then the wail of police sirens rises in the distance. They pull apart and Peter looks back and forth from Mary Jane, to the open window, and back again. He's torn between staying there and having sex with Mary Jane, or going out the window to be Spiderman.

In one of the best lines I've EVER seen delivered on film, Mary Jane flashes an understanding but mischievous smile and says, "Go get 'em, tiger!"

HOLY FUCK!!! I almost started crying then and there. Cancel the Oscars right now, because she's got the best actress award hands down.

Rosemary Harris as Aunt May:

Who cares? She's old.

J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson:

Now, I thought this guy was funny as fuck in the first movie, but I didn't realize who he was until the second. Ever heard of the HBO original series OZ? Well, J.K. Simmons plays scary-as-hell Prisoner #92S110, Vernon Schillinger, a militant Neo Nazi that likes to put powdered glass in other peoples' mashed potatoes.

OZ is absolutely the most harrowing television experience a person can subject themselves to. When I was younger, I tried to imagine what it'd be like if I ever went to prison, and I (foolishly) thought I could probably handle it. Man, I was wrong! After seeing people get gang raped, stabbed, tortured, burned alive, de-penised, and generally fucked up, I decided to stop selling Chinese babies on the black market and fly straight.

Regardless, the differences between the two characters Simmons plays are amazingly vast, (like I said, I didn't recognize him at first), and really drives home just how good of an actor he is. His J. Jonah Jameson steals every scene he's in.

***

Well, that's about it for the characters. James Franco returns to play Harry Osborn, but he's just kinda "there" for the entire movie. Still, he merits mentioning because it looks like Harry will be the Super villain in Spiderman 3, which is a BAD, BAD MOVE. James Franco cannot carry the antagonistic role in a movie by himself, and Spiderman 3 is gonna lick balls if the producers try to force it. Personally, I'd like ME to play the next villain. My name would be SHIT RUINER, and my superpower would be to take Spiderman to the ground and twist him up until he can taste his own nuts.

GO SEE THIS MOVIE IMMEDIATELY!!!