Dear Jerry Bruckheimer,
First of all, lemme' just say that I'm a big fan of your movies.
Armageddon... The Rock... Black Hawk Down... Wow!!! I actually cried during Days of Thunder, (because Nichol Kidman
never got naked).
Of course, Pearl Harbor left me flaccid, and Kangaroo Jack
was a festering boil on the ass of movie making- but those are the exceptions.
How surprised I was to get an email from you, as I didn't
think my site was THAT popular. I guess I was wrong.
(Yippee!)
What's NOT surprising, is that you're a arrogant, medieval
minded dumbass. What's ALSO not surprising, is that you have no originality whatsoever. Like the plots of your
films, everything in your email is predictable, tired, and so very redundant. Do you know how many times I've heard
this kind of shit?
Honestly!!! It's gotten so bad here lately, that I've
stopped answering hatemail altogether- unless they're particularly good, particularly bad, or from famous people. Yours
falls into the latter category.
Let's take a look, shall we?
Hi Michael, I wanted to tell you about
the hope we have in Jesus Christ.
"We" who? You gotta turd in your pocket?
I know your kind... You are running
from the truth, Michael.
Actually, my "kind" is something totally alien to you: non-dipshits.
Non-dipshits account for a very small percentage of the population, (perhaps 5 - 6%), but we're largely responsible for keeping
the rest of you alive. No need to thank us, a good old fashion witch burning will do.
And as far as me "running from the truth", well, I have to
ask you, Jerry, what "truth" do you think I'm running from? Eternal life and happiness through Jesus Christ? Getting
to live in a world were seas get parted and donkeys talk? Getting away with persecuting anybody that doesn't share my
beliefs? Hell, man! Why in the WORLD would I run away from such bliss?!?
...unless it was bullshit.
It seems you are hiding behind all of
your sarcasm and humor.
Does it "seem" that way, fucktard? Or does it "seem"
that I GENUINELY think all your rhetoric and righteousness and human-centric self importance is based on mythology.
Guess what, I'm not hiding behind anything. This website is "me" at my most pure, my most unleashed. Something
pops into my head, and I write it down. The only hiding being done here is on YOUR part, and lemme' tell you why...
Like most of you the world, you desperately hide from the
randomness and eventual end of life behind comforting illusions. The reality is, this is the only life you're ever gonna
have. And no, it's not all peachy; and no, it's not like the movies; and no, there's no higher meaning to it; and no,
none of us get out of it alive.
One day we will all be dead... forever!
I can handle that. Can you? Who's fucking hiding,
bitch?
Jesus loves you.
Yeah, I know. But he HATES you, Jerry.
He came down from heaven and gave his life for you.
Really? I thought those damn dirty Jews killed him.
The bible says, "This is my blood, drink
this in remembrance of me. This is my flesh, eat this bread in remembrance of me."
I have no problem eating Jesus, in fact, he has a standing
invitation to EAT ME!!! But the bible also says, "Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like
of which I tell you before, as I have also told you in times past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom
of God." Galatians, 5:21 ...I drink a lot, so, basically, I'm fucked.
Tough getting into heaven, huh?
Michael you need to remember where we
all came from.
Hmmmmmm... Did I somehow give you the impression that
I'd FORGOTTEN where we all came from? For fuck's sake, man! I'm a Biologist!!!
We come from the love of Jesus Christ.
Maybe you came from there; I came from my dad's penis.
This is the one and only truth.
WOOOOOOOOAH!!! Are you serious with this shit?
The "one and only" truth?!? Yeah, 'cause, you know how everybody agrees on it, right?
...Oh wait. You're fucking stupid.
There are so many obstacles
in the world today pulling us from every side... sneaking up on us... weighing us down... we have to hold to the love of Jesus
to overcome these obstacles.
Are you being stalked by ninjas or something?
Religion is the biggest obstacle in MY life, namely because I have to worry about dumbass fanatics like you flying planes
into buildings and doing everything they can to impose a nationwide religion. There's a reason the founders of the United
States Constitution, (all rich, white, Christians, by the way), insisted on Separation of Church and State. The reason?
Because there IS no one and only truth. Everybody has their own particular brand of faith, and most of the wars that
have been fought throughout history were either directly or indirectly caused by the differences in said faith.
Jesus will return one day.
Yeah? Well that day came and went a
long time ago.
"So ye in like manner, when ye shall see
these things come to pass, know that it is nigh, even at the doors. Verily I say unto you, that this generation
shall not pass, till all these things be done. Heaven and earth shall pass away: but my words shall not pass
away." Mark 13:29 - 13:31
Yep,
all four gospels have a variation on this theme, which is that Jesus said he'd return within the lifetimes of his apostles.
I want you to be ready.
Don't worry, I'm quite prepared for nothing
to keep on happening.
I want the whole world to be ready.
I'm sure THEY'RE quite prepared for nothing
to keep on happening too. However, if any of them, (including you), wanna give all your worldly possessions to me and
go wait out in a field somewhere for the rapture, I have NO objection to that.
I hope you will take what I said seriously.
How could I POSSIBLY take you seriously?!?
You've offered nothing but your own blind faith opinions, and you didn't even BOTHER to make a logical argument. If
this email made me take you seriously, then I'd be as simple minded and easily led as you. Guess what, I'm not.
We can win this battle
together.
The "battle", my friend, is not one we can
win together, as we're on opposite sides. I fight for fact, rationality, logic, and critical thinking. You fight
for salvation through your particular deity. We don't even speak the same language, bucko.
I look forward to hearing
from you, lord willing,
- Jerry Bruckheimer
Look no further! You're hearing from
me because I willed it, bitch! The almighty
Descado descended from the Kingdom of Assbeating to bless you with his wisdom. You should fall down on your knees right
now and worship me as Thor's enforcer.
As Alec Baldwin once said, "You think I have a God complex?
Lemme' tell ya something... I AM God!!!"
Please do us all a favor and martyr yourself for the lord-
just don't take anybody else with you. I have no problem with people having faith because most of 'em don't know any
better, and because it can indeed bring comfort to their otherwise crummy lives. But, God Damn it! STOP TRYING
TO FORCE YOUR COWARDLY SHIT ON EVERYBODY ELSE!!!
If there was a God, and he was all-powerful and all-loving,
don't you think he'd want smart motherfuckers like me on his side? Don't you think he'd actually reveal himself so that
70% of the world, (who embrace other religions, or no religions at all), wouldn't go to Hell? Don't you think he'd give
a shit about humanity?
And don't give me that "free will" crap. Fact is fact,
and the existence of an omnipresent being would be readily observable to people who actually use their (God given?) human
intellects to probe the universe in which we live. There's a reason religion is so easily sold to the ignorant trailer
park masses... they don't question.
Jesus said, (and I'm paraphrasing), "A believer's faith must
be that of a little child's."
Well, I was a Christian when I was a little child.
I'm not a little child anymore...
