Ya know, martial artists always ask me, "Mike, why are you
such an ultra badass progenitor of super ninja beat down?", to which I usually reply, "FUCK YOU, VADER!!!", before kicking
them in the genitals.
Lately though, I've come to realize that not everybody
is as sarcastic as me, so tonight, I'm gonna try and answer as best I can. More than that, I'm gonna give a play-by-play
guide for all those Bruce Lee wannabes out there who genuinely desire to know whether or not what they're learning will
work in a street fight.
You see, there are two kinds of people in the world: Martial
Artists, and Fighters. Martial Artists THINK they can do much more than they actually can, while Fighters can DO much
more than they actually think.
As such... may I present my unabridged handbook of what Martial
Artists say versus what Fighters say.
1. A martial artist's first name is sifu or sensei or shihan;
while a fighter's first name is Pete or Doug or Frank.
2. A martial artist will bow before squaring off with you;
while a fighter will touch gloves or merely flip you off.
3. A martial artist wears a uniform; while a fighter wears
the same cut off tee-shirt and hole-ridden shorts he was wearing earlier that evening when your dumb ass called him up to
spar.
4. A martial artist will ask you to do "this" so he can do
"that"; while a fighter will ask you to do "whatever the fuck you want", so he can "PRISON RAPE YOU FOR DARING TO STEP ONTO
THE MAT!!!"
5. A martial artist turns around and kneels after scoring
a point on you; while a fighter continues to beat you senseless until all coherency is bludgeoned from your mind.
6. A martial artist calls "STOP" after falling to the ground;
while a fighter calls, "THAT'S YA ASS, BITCH!!!" before locking your arm out or choking you retarded.
7. A martial artist wears a belt to proclaim his rank; while
a fighter wears a belt to keep his pants from falling down.
8. A martial artist dismisses a drunken challenge as an opportunity
to be the better man; while a fighter accepts a drunken challenge as an opportunity to train.
9. A martial artist TELLS you what he can do to you; while
a fighter simply DOES IT, whether you allow him to or not.
10. A martial artist boasts of the "masters" he's trained
under; while a fighter boasts of the "dumbasses" he's beaten to a pulp.
11. A martial artist dismisses techniques he does not know;
while a fighter learns said techniques so that he's never without the ability to hand someone their own ass.
12. A martial artist learns to wield a host of eastern
medieval weapons; while a fighter learns to wield a beer bottle.
13. A martial artist admonishes the vice known as alcohol;
while a fighter trains drunk.
14. A martial artist offers no proof for extraordinary claims;
while a fighter offers readily accessible proof for realistic claims.
15. A martial artists gets his shit ruined; while a fighter
RUINS SOMEONE'S SHIT!!!"
I put this rant under the "Not meant to be funny, but..."
heading because, well, I'm not joking. If you train under an instructor who exhibits one or more of these qualities-
GET OUT!!! If you're learning Karate or Kung Fu or Judo for pure enjoyment, so be it. But if you're learning these
things in hopes that you'll someday be able to walk into a bar and protect a girl from thirty or so drunken rednecks- you're
fooling yourself.
Real fighting is nothing like what you see in the movies;
it's random and unfair and chaotic and brutal, and if you sincerely wanna come out on top, you need to train stuff that works.
What DOES work, you might ask? Well, that's simple. If you can pull off a technique against an unwilling opponent,
it works. If said opponent has to GIVE YOU a certain feed to allow you to work your magic, then, guess what? It's
just that: magic, and magic ain't real unless you're Harry Potter.
I'm gonna stop now, but I hope I've passed on at least a little
bit of my unfathomable wisdom. Sleep tight, kiddies. I'll see you in your dreams...
