Before I became an ultra badass progenitor of ninja superhero buttkicking, I was a little boy with dreams of martial arts mastery. Throughout the long, arduous road that made me the weapon of destruction I am today, I suffered many pitfalls that could've led to more disastrous and disappointing conclusions. I'm talking here about traditional martial arts, and the nonsensical approach to combat they unwaveringly share.

Now, before I cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war, I want to make it clear that there ARE beneficial things you can take away from traditional arts. For example, from my time in Isshinryu karate, I retained the principle of Sanchin, (from the kata of the same name), which is a form of breathing that allows you to take body shots without getting the wind knocked out of you. It's nothing magical or "chi" related, it's just a technique. From Shotokan karate, I took the principle of hip rotation, and how it can be used to generate power. From Aikido, I learned that you can indeed "hook up" while you're training, (or get shot down, depending on your game).

In my experience, more chicks attend Aikido classes than any other martial art. Why? Well, Aikido is for pussys. But STILL! I'm not above doing a few dance moves to bag a martial arts babe. Let's face it, don't we ALL wanna get with a woman who likes fighting? The answer is yes, and anyone who denies it should have their nuts bitten off by a rottweiler.

That being said, Taekwondo has no redeeming features whatsoever. It's pure evil, and that evil is spreading! Everywhere I look, Taekwondo dojo's are popping up like McDonald's franchises. And make no mistake, these are indeed franchises. You can buy a black belt as easily as you can buy a Big Mac, and this must be stopped with extreme prejudice.

I was at the Asskicking Shop yesterday picking up some ninja smokebombs, and what should I see next door? A brand spanking new Taekwondo dojo! (I think technically it's called a dojang, but I give less than 0.000057% of a rat's ass).

Well, I was so understandably shocked that I crapped my pants right then and there. Nothing to be ashamed of under the circumstances, but that didn't stop this punk kid standing outside from making fun of me. He was all decked out in his white Taekwondo uniform complete with green belt and two black stripes, (is that good or bad? I don't know).

He was a scrawny little guy, maybe eleven years old, but NO ONE makes fun of a ninja, and the fight was on.

I just happened to have a candy bar in one of my secret ninja pockets, so I pulled it out and tossed it up into the air. Kids love candy, and when he reached for it, WHAM!!! I kicked him right in his little baby nuts. That's right, I smoked his eleven-year-old ass!

Having no one to 'high-five' over my hard won victory, I turned to leave only to hear frantic footsteps from behind. It turns out the kid's mother had seen the whole thing from the parking lot, and she was loosing it.

"AHHH!!! MY DARLING ANDREW!!! PLEASE GOD, NO!!! AHHH!!!"

Well, this really pissed me off because of how bad this woman's parenting was. Anyone who would let their kid take Taekwondo doesn't deserve to have a kid, so really, I did them both a favor. Still, her screaming was getting on my nerves, so I went back over there and body slammed her into a fire ant hill.

I'm getting way off the subject here, so let me get back to why I hate Taekwondo. Quite simply, Taekwondo is the biggest piece of dog shit ever to bear the designation of martial art. And hey! It's not a big secret. Taekwondo grandmaster Joon Rhee once alluded to this truth with characteristic subtly when he said, "My art is a stream of shit straight from a dog's ass."

It's more than the ridiculous high line kicks, or the absurd stances, or the total lack of punching prowess, or the crappy uniform. Taekwondo attracts the absolute WORST breed of martial artist. You know the guys I'm talking about? The ones that quote Cain from Kung Fu and jerk off to Bruce Lee movies?

(Oh, your copy of Enter the Dragon doesn't work any more? Perhaps next time you should wipe the SPLOOGE off of it!!!)

If you're a dork, you are instinctively and genetically drawn to the local Taekwondo school. Olympic Taekwondo gold medallist Herb Perez? I would beat him with a rubber hose! Look at the guy's hair for Christ's sake! Have you EVER seen a haircut like that which did NOT belong to someone who got wedgied over and over in junior high school? The answer is no, so there's no need to think about it.

Oh, and what's with the board breaking?!? What the hell could that POSSIBLY prove? I once met a TKD black belt who said he could break a bat in one hit. I say he's a big fat liar, 'cause the next time I saw him, I hit him in the head with my sister's softball bat. Of course, it was aluminum, but he hadn't specified.

The bat didn't have a scratch on it, while the TKD black belt went to the hospital. He can't talk anymore, but I bet if he could he'd say, "I'm a big fat liar!"

The point is, civilians and Ninjas (real ninjas) must join forces to combat the genital herpes-like plague that IS Taekwondo. When you see them on the street, when you see them in a day care nursery, when you see them in a hospital chapel, ERADICATE THEM!!!

We must act now before their numbers get too large.

I'm calling for every last man, woman, and child to unite under the banner of Michael Descado. Rise up, my minions! Rise up and destroy those who do not share our sublime vision! Many sloths and zuels will know what it is to roast in the belly of the giant Slor THAT day I can tell you!!!