Disclaimer: I gave the following story a Mike-style "once
over", but pretty much everything you're about to read is exactly as Gary sent it to me in his latest email. As such:
Ok, let's get to some stories that are a little more entertaining
and a lot more violent. Ya know, I don't recall throwing anyone into a washer or dryer. I've hip tossed
some people, but never into a Kenmore. Still, this next one is pretty good...
(Note: Gary is correcting me on an email I sent to him asking
to hear about the time he employed a Judo-style hip toss to throw this guy ass-over-face into a group of household appliances.
Apparently, I got my protagonists mixed up, and while SOMEONE in our little family of asskickers did this, it must've been
somebody else, [probably Spencer]. Sorry about that, Gary.)
Now, I don't know if you saw me before I moved, but I'd lost
a lot of weight, and I liked to dress "funky" while sporting a rather nerdy pair of glasses. As such, I was the
perfect target in Asheville. I was also fortunate enough to date some really hot girls, and lemme' tell ya- rednecks
don't like guys with hot girls, especially if they think you're a gay pussy.
Anyway, one night I went out for Cinco de Mayo
at Rio Bravo, (one of your battlefields), and a fight ensued.
I was outside minding my own business, when one of my former
high school associates (Brent) ran into a guy who used to date his girlfriend (Mr. Big Mouth). Of course, drunk
words were exchanged, and since I really wasn't in the mood for confrontation, I tried to turn around and distance myself
from the drama. As I walked away, I accidentally stepped on the side of this Big Mouth's shoe. I didn't think
anything of it until I heard, "Hey, Pussy! Step on my shoe again, and I'll beat your ass!"
Great, now this big-mouthed jerkoff wants to fight me!
And I'm literally trying to get the hell out of there.
Before I had time to react, my best friend Josh was laughing
at the guy and telling him that he just picked the wrong dude to fuck with. The next thing I know, a wall of thugs forms
in front me.
Still not in the mood to kick someone's ass, I then turn around
to see a familiar group of rednecks we used to call, "The Enka Drunks".
These are the graduates from Enka high school who seem to
have a radar for any celebration going on within a 200 mile radius. No matter what party you go to, they will show up.
Now, some of these guys are truly crazy, but no one seemed
like they wanted to make the first move, so I merely remained neutral and let the original two guys, (Brent and Big Mouth,
exchange "fuck you's!", and "kiss my ass's!", etc.
As the shouting match escalates, I go to take a step back
out of the mix, only to have Big Mouth look my way and ask, "Where the fuck do ya think you're going? I thought
I told you I'd beat your pussy ass?!?"
Immediately deciding to make the first move and get things
going, I replied, "Oh, you will?", then throwing a front thrust kick right into Big Mouth's chest.
WHAM!!!
Some of the spectators said it sounded like a shotgun
blast, and everyone absolutely froze. The guy I'd kicked hit the ground, and I'm pretty sure he shit his pants;
but not one person attacked me, instead just standing there with blank looks of awe.
This went on for a good couple of minutes, and then one
of the bouncers grabbed me in a shitty attempt to put me into some kind of armbar- which I wasn't having any part of.
After negating his best efforts, the bouncer decided to just "hold" my arm and walk me to one of the many cop cars, (the
police were on the scene by now).
The bouncer told the cops that I'd "drop kicked" Mr. Big
Mouth, and they slapped on the handcuffs. I didn't mind though, 'cause they cuffed Big Mouth too, all while a crowd
of onlookers was rushing in to give my victim shit.
It was really hilarious, because they kept taunting Big Mouth
with stuff like, "Who's the pussy now?!?" and, "Did ya like that karate kick right in your fucking chest?!?"
The Enka Drunks were funny as shit, and they went on to
impersonate the kick Ralph Macheo made famous in The Karate Kid, pretty much mocking this guy without mercy.
Meanwhile, I just sat in the back of the cop car feeling surprisingly
bad for Mr. Big Mouth. I didn't know the guy- much less HATE him- and being made fun of by a mob of drunk
rednecks isn't a thing I'd wish on ANYbody.
Anyway, I got lucky, 'cause the cop that handcuffed me knew
[Super Asskicker], and he leaned into the open car door to whisper, "Don't worry kid, we're not gonna arrest ya."
It wasn't just because of [Super Asskicker's] well-known status
in the community, though. More, I actually had all these women who came up to the cop car and told the officer that
I hadn't done anything wrong, and that I should be set free.
Just like that, I had a fan club, and I found myself giving
out my phone number to- not only the hot looking female witnesses- but also a few guys who said they'd never seen anything
like what I'd done, and thus wanted to train with me.
Keep in mind, all of this happened in front of the cops while
I was still handcuffed in the backseat.
Not only was it entertaining, it turned out to be a martial
arts business opportunity for both myself and [Super Asskicker]. And to top it all off, the initial argument that was
started by my old high school friend, Josh, ended in a second parking lot melee later on that night.
After the cops left, the shit started up again, and Brent
got his ass beat. Or, at least, he got a black eye.
Brent recovered, and I guess in all fairness, he had
it coming...
Not necessarily humorous, Gary, but nevertheless AWESOME!!!
Again, we see Gary executing a superb combative mentality. Once he realized that the situation was untenable, and that
the ostensive "leader" had set his sites on him, Gary kicked the shit outta Big Mouth- thus negating the instigator,
and stealing the momentum from the other potential brawl participants.
I don't know if Gary did this intentionally, but he did
it nonetheless. The strategy for a street fighting situation where multiple opponents are squared off against
other multiple opponents, is categorically the same. The adversarial side will always have a leader,
and if you "take out" said leader, the rest will be left unorganized and unsure of what to do next.
Bravo, Gary! I look forward to hearing more firsthand
accounts of your assbeating exploits. And, on a personal note, I hope you look me up if and when you return to Asheville.
Think of it! Me, you, Kyle, Justin and Tim out on the town? Perhaps with Charles, Jerry, and even your dad?
I'm moist in the pants just imagining the firepower.
Ah, but such are the things of prison terms, and I'd settle
for a couple of beers.
Keep fighting the good fight, my brother in arms. We
still remember ya back home...
