Haven't had your mind fucked over in a couple of weeks? Then go see The Passion of The Christ.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT WAS THIS MOVIE DISTURBING!!! So much so in fact that I left the theater and went straight to the liquor store, and am currently downing stiff cocktails of Vodka and Propel Fitness Water as I write, (it's barely noon right now). Why am I so freaked out? Well, we'll get to that, but let's do it play by play...

So it's a Friday morning and I've got the day off from work. After a few rounds hitting the punching bag, I take a shower, get dressed, and then start thinking about what I want to do today. A movie sounds like a good idea, so I start surfing the net to see what's on that I want to see. I really had no desire to waste twenty bucks on The Passion of the Christ, (no shit, it's about twenty bucks after a ticket, a jumbo popcorn, and a large diet coke), but the subsequent web reviews I read got me interested. Apparently, this movie is steeped in controversy, and now having seen it, I damn sure know why.

Anyway, I spent the morning researching this film on the net, and after reading tirade after tirade about "graphic violence" and "anti-Semitism", I found myself desperate to know what all the hubbub was about. Donning my dark blue Gracie Jiu-Jitsu hooded sweatshirt, (because cool shit always happens when I wear it), I jump in my car and drive downtown to Beaucatcher Cinema on Tunnel Road. For those of you unfamiliar with Asheville, my beloved mountain town has several immaculate, state of the art theaters. Beaucatcher isn't one of 'em, but it's the only place that still uses REAL movie popcorn butter, and a theatrical experience isn't complete unless I'm clogging my arteries with 4000+ calories of liquid cholesterol.

During the drive, I'm absently milling over the reviews I've read, and a funny idea leaps into my demented brain. Since so many people were talking about the "graphic violence" of this film, I decide that when I go up to the ticket counter, I'm gonna loudly ask for one adult ticket to, THE ASSBEATING OF JESUS!!!

I don't know why I thought that would be so funny, (blasphemous?), but I was cracking myself up all the way to the theater, thus imagining the looks of horror from all those within earshot.

Now, I usually don't pull shit like this in public unless I'm with my buddies, but it was too good to abandon on account of NOT having backup, and I started practicing it out loud in the car.

Movie Attendant: "And you, sir?"

Mike: "I'll take one for... THE ASSBEATING OF JESUS!!!"

Movie Attendant: (recoiling in disbelief as my fellow patrons gasp) "What?!?"

Mike: "Yeah, I said I want one for... THE ASSBEATING OF JESUS!!!"

Keep in mind, I'm imagining this while I'm driving, the scene all in my head. But FUCK I was laughing, thus picturing myself screaming this straight-faced at the ticket vendor. My imagination is "on" like that all the time, which is probably why I can write in such a way that my readers actually "see" me doing this stuff.

By the time I pull up into the parking lot, I'm about to soil my pants in hysterics. Still, a performance requires discipline, and I put on my game face as I walked into the theater.

WHAT THE HELL?!?

There's a line- an actual line in front of the ticket stand, fifty or more people all waiting for their chance to see The Passion of The Christ.

I couldn't believe it. After all, this was 11:20 AM on a Friday morning, and given my hatred of packed theaters, I wanted to yell, "HEY!!! WHO INVITED YOU DICKHEADS?!? DON'T YA'LL HAVE FUCKING JOBS?!?"

I was pissed, and more resolved than ever to make a scene once it came my turn to buy a ticket. Alas, my anger faded as I waited in line, humor returning as I once again envisioned demanding a ticket for THE ASSBEATING OF JESUS!!!

Meanwhile, it did not escape my notice that most of the pre-noon moviegoers were rural "Christian" types from what I can only assume is every trailer park in the county. This became more and more apparent as I stood there listening to the various conversations, the twang of North Carolina accents permeating every spoken word. There was a good chance my comedic performance-to-come would provoke my own lynching at the hands of these redneck zealots, but I decided to go ahead with my plan nevertheless.

I figured, Hey! If I get my ass beat, that'll be a good story to write up for the website!

Ah, the lengths I go to for my three loyal readers...

Unfortunately, I botched it. As soon as I walked up to the counter, I yelled, "I'll take one for THE ASS... *snort*... *giggle*... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

I busted out in self-imposed laughter before I could get it out, my face going blood red as everybody turned to see what I was yelling about.

The ticket vendor, (a fifteen year old girl with brown hair and pasty white skin), hesitantly looked around as if she'd missed the joke, and then leans in to whisper, "you wanna see the ass of what?"

This sent me rolling, my hyena-like laughter echoing from the high lobby ceiling.

Picture this, if you will. A thirty year old man going apeshit by himself in front of fifty or so people waiting to see a movie that was anything but funny. No one else was laughing, and I mean NO ONE. They were all just whispering and milling about as I roared and gasped and blew snot out of my nose.

Luckily, I hadn't said anything about Jesus yet, so nobody was offended beyond thinking I was epileptic, or drunk, or both. Finally, I grasp the ticket counter with both hands, steady myself, and wheeze, "The Jesus show... I want one for... the Jesus show..."

This brought grumbles of disapproval from behind, but the girl took my money and quickly handed me a ticket, still looking dumbfounded as I staggered off into the lobby proper and made a B-Line for the bathroom.

I realize that this doesn't sound that funny, (even to me now as I'm writing it down), but I'd completely lost my shit, and I retreated into the bathroom to regroup and splash my face with cold water.

By the way, my roommate/training partner/butt kicker extraordinaire Kyle just came home, and I took a break from writing to regale him about my morning. Kyle thinks it's pretty funny, and after telling him about the movie he said, "Hey Mike, next time we have a bunch of people over to watch the UFC, you can commentate, 'Yeah, I haven't seen an assbeating like that since Jesus!'"

Kyle cracks me up. He just told me about Mel Gibson being on Jay Leno last night, and Jay said of The Passion of The Christ, "Wow! Somebody should really write a book about that!"

(If you don't get the "biblical" humor there, then I'm not gonna explain it to you.)

Okay, back to me...

So I compose myself and exit the bathroom to buy a small fortune in popcorn and soda, then negotiating a banking secession of hallways to arrive at my appointed destination. As I'd feared, Theater #7 was packed, (and by "packed", I mean it was half-full). But lucky #7 is the biggest of Beaucatcher's ten theaters, and I was able to procure an empty row all to myself. Of course, that didn't stop this old woman and her two prepubescent granddaughters from taking up residence a mere two seats beside me, and after offering a perfunctory smile of greeting, I secretly vowed to make them wish they'd sat somewhere else.

Because I love to watch the previews, I'd arrived ten minutes before the posted 11:30 AM start time, and I was hoping to see the theatrical trailers for both Troy and Hellboy, which were playing on the little televisions in the lobby.

Guess what... NO PREVIEWS!!!

The room darkens and the screen blinks to life only to show the beginning credits to The Passion of The Christ.

"Awe maaaaannnn!!!" I groan, "What the shit is this?" then to be immediately shushed by everyone within earshot, including Old Lady Cupboard and her two little future-whores.

Only a film about Jesus would start without previews, and I was hating my decision already. On a side note, there were many, many children in the theater with me, a fact I find inexcusably irresponsible in retrospect.

Listen up, parents!!! (And I'm talking here to the Christian parents, because no one else would be this stupid)

DO NOT TAKE YOUR KIDS TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!

The Passion of The Christ is a brutal depiction of human suffering the likes of which I've never before witnessed. I don't care how much you "think" your children will religiously benefit from seeing the biblical gospel played out on celluloid, there are scenes in this thing that will irrevocably scar them. When the movie was over, I was so pissed about the number of kids in attendance, I would've beat the parental crowd senseless had I the ability to wage that scale of a melee by myself.

Any cancerous fuck that would dare to expose their fledglings to images this savage should have their genitals burned off with volcanic lava. Seriously, no amount of religious zealotry can justify such an experience, so don't fucking do it!!!

I have half a mind to gather every kickboxing/jui-jitsu training partner at my disposal and go to this movie again with the sole purpose of bitch-slapping these poisonous guardians in mass.

Do ya get the sense that I'm pissed? Well, lemme' tell ya why...

For a hundred and twenty six minutes, I sat there and watched James Caviezel's "Jesus" get punched, kicked, whipped, spat on, and eventually nailed to a cross. These atrocities weren't implied either. Under Mel Gibson's unflinching direction, The Passion of The Christ bombards you with spurting blood and ripping flesh; gory special effects and flawless CGI leaving nothing to the imagination. Assuming that the real Passion of Christ actually took place, it couldn't have been this horrible, chiefly because Jesus would've died after the first scourging.

As my background is in Biology and Biochemistry, I can say with a certain amount of confidence that the human body simply cannot endure damage of this magnitude, and the torture scenes are thus, gratuitous to say the least.

"But Mike!" the faithful will no doubt cry, "The film is historically accurate! Jesus really did suffer this kind of agony! That's how much he loved us!"

Ya know what? Fuck you!

I happen to know quite a bit about biblical lore, and there're a host of unsubstantiated elements in this movie.

I'm gonna go ahead and get the first one outta the way right up front. Historically, there's no evidence that Jesus ever existed. To my knowledge, (and feel free to email me with reference-backed documents to the contrary if you think I'm wrong), the Judeo-Christian bible bears the only accounts of Yashua Ben Joseph. By the way, Jesus' name wasn't "Jesus", it was Joshua, translated from the Hebrew Yashua.

That's important to remember, people, because a personage of such wide-reaching influence would've undoubtedly been at least mentioned in the annals of Roman history. Think about it.

That being said, let's suspend disbelief for a minute and look at the particulars. In this movie, Jesus is nailed to the cross through the overlapping insteps of his feet, and through the palms of his hands. From what I've read of ancient Rome, the condemned were nailed through the wrists, not the palms. Driving a nail through somebody's palm isn't gonna support their bodyweight because it's just flesh. Contrastingly, a wrist-centered entry point is surrounded by tendon and bone, and would thus possess the anatomical and structural integrity to support a "crucified" individual. Ironically, the carbon-dating-disproved Shroud of Turin has the nail marks through the wrists as well, which says to me that the twelfth century prankster that forged it knew enough about true Roman executions to do it right.

And since we're on the subject of hoaxical religious icons, The Passion of The Christ includes the myth of "Veronica's Veil", a Catholic belief wherein the Hebrew commoner "Veronica" fought her way through the crowd as Jesus was carrying his cross to Golgotha, subsequently wiping his face with a piece of cloth. Said cloth was reputed to have been instantly imprinted with the "face" of Jesus. Like the Shroud of Turin though, the actual Veronica's Veil has been debunked by carbon-dating and other scientific methods, thus making its part in Mel Gibson's "historically accurate" account, inexcusably ridiculous.

I'm bettin' our boy Mel is a Catholic, how 'bout you?

There are many, many other things in this movie that have no business being labeled historic, (and by "historic", I'm talking about biblical), but I'm starting to get drunk now, and I'm losing my patience for this rant.

Okey dokey, let's talk about the film itself. First of all, Mel Gibson can't direct for shit! Despite Caleb Deschanel's admirable Cinematography, the entire movie is a series of slow-motion camera pans where one character after another dramatically looks up at the audience and freezes, (kinda like my own patented Descado Glare). It's a dramatic technique when used appropriately, but Gibson employs it in almost EVERY shot, and thirty minutes into the movie, I found myself asking, "Who's gonna slowly look up at me next?".

Fuck you, Gibson! You unoriginal, cliché-milking hack! I can and have made better movies than this, (the funniest of which I'll be posting on the website in the very near future).

Mel hit it big with Braveheart, but I have a feeling it was a collaborative effort, and only now do we see how inept he is when doing it all by himself.

I'm not saying this movie isn't powerful- believe me, it is. I almost starting bawling like a little bitch when Mary ran towards her cross-carrying son on the streets of Jerusalem while flashbacks of her and a childhood Jesus undercut the scene. But that was the only moment that actually moved me. For the rest of it, I was in a state of violence induced shock- which is why I can still characterize the film as "powerful". But hey, unedited footage from the ongoing war in Iraq is powerful; watching someone get their ass kicked in a bar is powerful; seeing my buddy Calvin Staples getting shot in the face when I was in high school was powerful.

"Powerful" don't make this a good film.

If you're like me, you go to the movies to be entertained, and there's nothing entertaining about The Passion of The Christ. If you're curious, go see it, but don't expect to be anything but disturbed.

How 'bout the acting? Well, the movie is subtitled, (the actors speak in Aramaic and Latin), so it's hard to tell. James Caviezal's performance as Jesus is already getting Oscar buzz, but I don't see it. He's getting his ass kicked for 90% of the movie, and the only "acting" he does is his convincing portrayal of a guy in pain. Looking back on my own reaction to getting stomped in the nuts at a tournament in Vicksburg one time, I'm pretty sure I could've played his part with no sweat.

The rest of the actors play their parts well, but, again, their talents are stifled by the perpetual slow-motion "look up" shots, and by the subtitled dialogue.

All in all, there's nothing in this movie worth paying money to see, (unless you enjoy watching James Caviezel getting the ever-loving shit beat outta him). You will not have a good time, and there are no "Jesus" lessons to be gleaned.

Maybe that's my biggest complaint. None of the "good" parts of Jesus' life are shown.

Now, I'm not a Christian, but I used to play one on TV, and I think his core teachings are not only applicable to our modern lives, but also dead on right. The whole, "love thy neighbor as thyself" thing is a blueprint for all of us, though I have yet to meet a proclaimed "Christian" who adheres to it. Most of the Jesus-esque people I've known in my life aren't even religious. They're just decent, moral individuals who lead by example- as opposed to trying to force their personal dogmas on everybody else.

Blow me, Christians! If you actually adhered to the tee-shirt slogan, "What would Jesus do?", you wouldn't continue to fuck up the world with your stupid crusades, (that includes you, George Bush). This movie needed more of the love and less of the persecution.

As it stands, I can see crazed fanatics using this movie to justify a new rash of hate crimes, and probably against the Jews.

Stupid...

First of all, none of the Jews alive today had anything to do with something that may or may not have happened two thousand years ago, so give it a rest already.

But, as to the question, "Is this movie anti-Semitic?" Well, I don't see it as such, at least not anymore than it's anti-Roman-itic, (is that a word?). The Romans are portrayed in an equally sinister light, and I'll tell you something, said portrayal is probably pretty accurate across the board.

This film isn't dogging any particular race, religion, or creed- it's dogging human nature. We get a firsthand look at mob-mentality, which is just as prevalent and dangerous today as it was in ancient times.

Moving on...

Another big time fuck up in this film was the periodic and out of place "demonic" elements. Every once in a while, a little kid's face would contort and get all scary, or you'd catch a flash of some beastly creature lurking in the shadows. These scenes DO NOT FIT IN with the rest of the movie. I'd equate the out-of-place-ness of the supernatural stuff to a unicorn running across the screen during Saving Private Ryan. It's almost like Gibson was sitting around after post production and suddenly thought, "Oh, crap! We don't have any demons in this movie! Let's stick some in!"

And the most laughable of these is the big man himself, Satan. To quote Butthead, I've seen scarier Satans in a Mister Big video. He's just a bald, pasty faced guy in a big thick robe walking around all slow and ominous. Oh, and he's constantly doing those slow motion "look-up" shots I was talking about earlier.

Oooooo... Terrifying.

The movie would've been a hundred times better if they'd used this guy: