One of the things I love doing more than anything else is going to the movies. I'm a little weird about it though because I usually go by myself. I never take girls to the movies because I don't think the point of a date is to sit in a dark room for two hours NOT talking to each other. Yeah, yeah, I'm aware of the whole "making out" thing, but I've got a house for that, and I'm a little old for public fluid exchange. In addition, on those rare occasions when I find myself cornered into taking a date to the movies, I feel compelled to make funny comments all the way through, which pisses everybody off.

No thanks.

Another thing that's weird about my movie fetish is that I don't like anybody else being in the theater with me. I don't care if it's only a half a dozen or so people, I want all the seats empty except for mine, which is why I try to go to weekday matinees as much as possible. I can't explain this selfish aversion, but I plan on buying my own full size private movie theater once I get rich and famous. It'll be staffed twenty four hours a day with a stocked concession stand, and nobody will get to watch movies there but me. Since I'll own the place, I'll also let myself in for free.

Regardless of the above peculiarities, I boast a working knowledge of movies that would put most film critics to shame. I'm not talking about details of production, or camera angles, or set design- no, I'm talking about the movies themselves. I'm like Rainman, once I see a flick, I can quote it VERBATIM, thus having memorized every detail without meaning to.

My brother Eric has the same ability, and we often play "name that line" when we're together, thereby quoting some ambiguous phrase and challenging the other to identify the movie it came from. I'm currently the world titleholder of "name that line", and many a would-be adversary has gone away shaking their heads in awe after I stomped them into the ground, (metaphorically).

The point of all this is that I've decided to start writing movie reviews, and not the kind of pussy-ass movie reviews you're probably used to. Granted, I may spoil of few endings, but I guarantee you'll know if a movie is worth seeing or not after reading its respective review.

As such, behold my wisdom below...