The following is a post I received on The Forum from a Taekwondo practitioner who naturally didn't include his real name or email address. Apparently, he didn't like my "Things I hate about Taekwondo" rant. His posts are in yellow, my responses are in blue:

I'm sorry you feel that way about TKD, but one side kick from me would crumble you.

Now, since you didn't include your name, I'm gonna call you "Bitch".

First of all, Bitch, no, you're not the least bit "sorry" that I feel that way about Taekwondo. Sorry has nothing to do with it. More likely you're pissed because I'm dogging something you care about. What's ironic is that my original post was A JOKE meant to make people laugh. The fact you took it seriously makes you abysmally stupid. That being said, the rest of this is going to be about the REAL reasons I hate TKD. Let's take a look, shall we?

And as far as ...but one side kick from me would crumble you.

"Crumble" me? What- you think I'm made of gingerbread or something? If you've taken just about any martial art for any length of time, you can probably kick the shit out of somebody... if they're just standing there. Unfortunately, Bitch, people don't just stand there and let you kick 'em.

I've practiced TKD 12 years and have fought in many point tournaments.

Many point tournaments, huh? Wow!!! I'd be enraged by this statement if it wasn't so pathetically typical. I used to be a point fighting champion myself, and I was just as proud of it as you are. Of course, then I came to the startling realization that, like you, I didn't know shit and I couldn't fight my way out of a wet tampon wrapper.

Maybe you just haven't been kicked by the correct TKD person yet.

I've been kicked by lots of people, and yes, some of them practiced TKD. What's your point? What happens when the "correct" TKD person kicks me? Am I gonna burst into flames or something? Being able to kick and punch hard is a necessary but relatively small part of combat as a whole. Any dipshit with a black belt can stand there and fire off hard kicks. The trick is to be able to do it under duress, and while moving.

All of your "street fighting" escapades are pathetic.

If by "pathetic" you mean real, then yes, they're pathetic. Real fighting isn't like a tournament, or those Cynthia Rothrock movies you masturbate to. It's random and chaotic and ugly. And sometimes the better man loses, and sometimes the bad guys get away, and sometimes you get your ass kicked.

Beating up someone who is half passed out from drinking doesn't make you a good fighter.

When did I do that? I've never hit anybody who didn't do something to necessitate my acting. Maybe you should read a little closer as I'M THE ONE WHO'S USUALLY DRUNK!!!

Between your trying to prove your tough by beating up drunks and wrestling around with other men and calling it a martial art, you obviously have homosexual tendencies.

Now this is what always tips me off that someone is either homophobic, or a teenager: the inevitable, "I don't agree with you so you're gay" argument. Lemme' tell ya something, pal, my life would be a lot easier if I took it up the butt. I went to a semi-gay bar the other night with this girl who likes to dance to techno music, and I was getting hit on all over the place! Apparently, I've got an ass guys wanna penetrate, and they're willing to buy many, many drinks for the privilege. Unfortunately, I am indeed straight, and I didn't wanna lead anybody on. My bar tab at the end of that night was upwards of eighty bucks, which means I can no longer afford this autographed Tom Selleck mustache comb I'd been saving up to buy on eBay! FUCK!!! I wish I was gay!

Which there's nothing wrong with, but it is something you should possibly consider therapy for so you can come out of the closet.

Okay, so if there's nothing wrong with it, why would I need therapy? A little mixed about your feelings, aren't cha, Bitch? I ACTUALLY don't have a problem with gay people. Gay girls are hot! And gay guys make me feel pretty. Maybe it's you who should delve a little deeper into your psyche and think about why you chose to characterize me as gay.

Hmmm... Does aunt Frank ever touch you?

Anyway, my point is, TKD can destroy any homo-jitsu you practice.

Yes, TKD has done really well in no rules events like the UFC and Pride and King of the Cage. Oh wait...

Since you are from Mississippi, if you ever come to Tennessee, I'd be happy have a friendly sparring session to show you the true effectiveness of TKD.

Well, Bitch, I happen to live in Western North Carolina, which is right on the boarder of Tennessee. I could throw a rock and hit your sorry ass state, so if you're serious, email me the name of your school and its location, and we'll see if me and a few of my homo-jitsu buddies can't make a road trip to RUIN YOUR SHIT. It certainly wouldn't be the first time we went dojo-busting.

Hear my words and understand, Bitch. I am fully aware that there are good Taekwondo people out there. In fact, I'll go a step further and say there are TKD people that can kick my ass. However, the vast majority suck donkey vulva because TKD schools are so common and so diluted and so commercial. From your comments, I would include you in that majority. The very fact that you would brag about point sparring, while simultaneously dismissing jiu-jitsu, indicates that you haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.

HOWEVER, I believe this to be because of genuine ignorance on your part, (as opposed to pure stupidity), and so I'm willing to help you. First of all, go out in the backyard and get daddy's shovel. Then, wedge the flat end between your ear and left butt cheek, and gently pry your head out of your ass. Next, go get your allowance from mommy and go to the local video store. In the sports section, there should be an assortment of tapes with footage from the Ultimate Fighting Championship. I recommend anything with Tito Ortez, Carlos Newton, or Idontknowhisfirstname Sakuraba, as they are excellent jiu-jitsu fighters.

Now, let me warn you beforehand. Some of this stuff can be a little scary the first time, and you may find yourself asking questions like, "Why isn't anyone using the spinning wheel kick?" and, "Why do they keep kicking each other in the leg? That's not legal!" and, "Why do I feel the sudden urge to shit my pants and rub it all over my face as I weep uncontrollably?"

Don't worry, you'll get over it, and you may actually learn something. Let me know how it goes. Oh, and ANY response you send, and I mean ANY response, will be added to this page as is. I won't change or modify it in any way. What's fairer than that?