Conversations with Slappy White

August 5^th, 2005

In January of this year, I started getting semi-hate posts on Mike’s Forum from this douche who calls himself “Slappy White”. At first I thought it was one of my buddies fooling around, and I didn’t give Slappy much notice. His posts were short and stupid, and lacked anything I could make funny by replying to. Over the last EIGHT months, he’s chimed in at random intervals, but- again- never with any criticism that I could use.

The other day, however, he did it again, and I was just bored and drunk enough at the time to give him a little literary “fuck you!” to chew on. This has since turned into a pretty humorous dialogue, and I figured I’d put it all together as an entry on the main site.

It’s Pretty self-explanatory. So, without further ado, I give you, Conversations with Slappy:

(Posted in order of appearance on the forum, his are in red, mine are in blue. Minor corrections have been made for punctuation and an utter lack of capitalization.)

***

You are so frigging gay!

…the whole lot of you. Grow up, move out of Mom’s basement, get laid and SHUT UP!

You babble incessantly about your prowess, and you write without end about stuff that is MEANINGLESS, TRITE, and TESTOSTERONE-LADEN CRAP.

Get a real life, people. Join the real world.

Or, barring that- SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

***

RE: You are so frigging gay!

You sound very angry, Slappy, but I don’t see why you feel the need to take it out on me. I wasn’t one of the sailors. I just wasn’t, and no matter how much the writing on this website reminds you of those smelly, brutish fellows, you need to understand that it’s not my fault.

And I’ll tell you another thing, it’s not your fault either. Remember that, Slappy, and say it with me… “It’s not your fault.” I mean, there’s no way you could’ve known what kind of establishment you were walking into. A tavern’s a tavern in Thailand, and who could expect a bright eyed young man on his senior trip to know that the sign over the entrance that read, “Mung Jo Lao’s”, translates to “American Boy Fisters.”

It’s not your fault.

You didn’t speak the language, so when those sailors took you in the back for what YOU thought was a totally heterosexual guy-on-guy massage, you would’ve had no way of knowing the manner of lubeless butt pounding that would ensue.

I talked to your sister about this at length, and while (by the way) she’s quite fond of the occasional stool push, she’s much, much, much, much more sexually experienced than you. As such, I totally understand the effect that it’s had on you. Trying to pick up the jagged pieces of a broken life can be hard, but try to understand, you’re among friends. No one will judge you on this website no matter HOW freak nasty you are.

Yes, you enjoyed being reamed by six members of Thailand’s canoe navy. So what? It’s not your fault that you liked it, anymore than it’s your fault that it happened.

Don’t push us away, Slappy. We’re here to help you, (though not in the sweaty “man” way you’re used to).

Let the healing begin.

***

RE: RE: You are so frigging gay!

Gee, Mike- you seem so knowledgeable of eastern homosexual activity. Odd.

Homophobe or homo?

Hmmm?

(And, by the way- you never rebutted anything I said, so I must assume that amidst all the homoerotic banter that you know it’s all true.)

***

You gonna bark all day, little doggy?

I’ve never been to Thailand, and the only things I know about your personally-crippling experience, come from your sister. I didn’t wanna say this before, but given her propensity to get blasted in the ass, I’m somewhat surprised that you’re as messed up as you are. I mean, genetically, wouldn’t you also have a predisposition towards anal whoretry?

Word on the internet suggests that your mother likes it nasty too, but maybe such a thing is passed on only through the male’s chromosomes.

Regardless, what exactly do you want me to REBUT to? (Pardon the pun). I mean, my mother lives in Greenville Mississippi. I live in Asheville North Carolina. Unless the mechanics of Physics have been somehow altered, I cannot possibly live in her basement.

As far as getting laid, well, your sister can settle the score on that affair, though I don’t really consider it “sex” since she paid me.

Moving on, why do you think that what I write about my “prowess” is meaningless or trite or testosterone-laden crap? Can you offer arguments to the contrary? Can you state WHY you think a pass/takedown/sidemount/shoulder dislocation is ineffective? Can you intelligently support your statement that people on this website, “Have no lives”?

Such things are unequivocally necessary for debate. Without them, there’s no reason, nor chance, nor opportunity for rebuttal. Haven’t you watched Crossfire?

You can’t address arguments unless arguments are given.

You haven’t given any.

You’ve just said, “You suck… ah HAAAA!!! Deal with that, Michael Descado!!!” And then you scamper away into a corner and jerk off to your dreams of being an internet celebrity.

Step up to the plate and state your case, Slappy Rapevictim. Otherwise, shut the fuck up. Much better cyberspace wannabe’s than you have come and gone on my little corner of the web.

I’d invite you to go blow yourself, but I bet your dick’s even smaller than mine…

***

RE: You gonna bark all day, little doggy?

A couple of points- in bullet form to make them simpler to understand for you and your simpleton brethren…

(A couple of counterpoints- also in bullet form because it’s easier to show what a disgruntled sheephumper you are…)

1. I don’t have a sister.

-LIAR!!! Lemme’ get this straight, you share a bunk bed and matching Star Wars sheets with a nubile young 18 year old with blond hair named Slutty White who’s NOT your sister? Yeah, dream on president of the chess club. There’s no WAY you could live with a chick that fine if she wasn’t related by blood. She’s already ratted you out anyway. Mommy pays your rent in exchange for you cutting the grass. Didn’t think I’d know that, huh poser? Mess with da bull, you get horned…

And by the way, while Wonder Woman Underoos are HOT on your sister, they creep me out on you. She showed me a picture, and though I never dreamed I’d ever have to say this to another grown man… Dude, you need to clip those pubes. It looks like Buckwheat tried to headbutt you in the crotch and got stuck. EWWWW!!!

I don’t know why your sister chose that moment to shove said Polaroid in my face, (second’s after a Dirty Sanchez), but I’m pretty sure I won’t be having another erection until Labor Day.

2. “Your writings are meaningless.” Perhaps I have misspoken. I should have said, “Your writings are, at best, time-wasting drivel, less than mildly entertaining, and largely infantile. A waste of bandwidth.”

Well, since Tripod is a free server, it’s my bandwidth to waste. Still, have you seen some of the other literary ASS that passes for writing on the net?!? Believe me, it could be worse. I could be posting pictures of puppies with names and shit. Or, Royce forbid, that Polaroid of you and your sister playing monopoly on a Saturday night in your Underoos. GOD DAMN!!! I can’t get that image out of my mind.

Word of advice… cross-legged is not the posture for you.

3. “Testosterone-laden crap.” Precisely what I said is what I meant- and it is testosterone laden. Asskicking, boobies, and fart jokes. Boobies, beer, and fart jokes. (In my best Butthead form) “Huh huh, huh. He said boobies, huh, huh.”

Ya know, I don’t remember ever making fart jokes. But then, I could be wrong. I have a feeling you’ve read every single story on my site two or three times, and if YOU say I joked about farts, I can’t disagree. Still, maybe you meant “shit jokes”, and in that case I’d say you’re dead wrong. There’s nothing funny about shit. It has manifested itself as my adversary in many, many venues, and I’ll thank you not to comment further.

For both our sakes, Slappy, do not anger it…

4. “Can you state WHY you think a pass/takedown/sidemount/shoulder dislocation is ineffective?” Did I write that? Nope. Reading, it’s fundamental.

You’ve got me there, Slappy. You didn’t specifically dismiss that or any of the other combative technique I’ve referenced over the last year and a half. You merely spewed a blanket condemnation of my martial offerings.

Why is that, by the way? Oh wait, I know… BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW DICK ABOUT FIGHTING!!!

Hey, no problem. I wish there were more people like you. Unfortunately, even in 2005 America, there are predators in the world- their numbers only slightly less than those who claim to be able to, “deal with ‘em.”

For those who know enough to “know”, I’m providing a valuable public service. I address the blind devotion and unsubstantiated dogmas inherent within the martial arts community, and then expose them as the bullshit they are. Yes, writing is a poor excuse for personal instruction, but if even ONE of my readers has been prompted to question the merit of what they train- I’m doing something worthwhile. Much better to change and adapt, than to learn the hard way through numerous assbeatings. At the end of the day, I genuinely hope I’ve saved some young pup out there a face full of scar tissue. Every time I get a hair cut and glimpse the lingering bone spurs beneath my forehead, I wish someone had done as much for me.

5. “Can you intelligently support your statement that people on this website, ‘have no lives’?” Read 3, above. I s’pose Beavis and Butthead got nuthin’ on y’all. Either the folks that dig your stuff are 14, or they really, sincerely need to grow up, cut the mullet and dear ol’ Mommy. I’m sure she’s pretty frigging happy about that one. You’re such a big, independent boy, aren’t you?

Wow, Poser White. That was quite an impressive display of vernacular slang. Watch MTV much? Using pseudo-conjunctions like “s’pose” or “nuthin’” (or “wanna” or “lemme’”, for that matter), only works if you have the skill to put ‘em in context.

You have been measured, and found lacking.

Leave the funny stuff to me, Fitty’ Cent. You don’t secure “coolness” or anything by trying to be hip. Stick with what you’re best at… which is being a whiney vagina.

And just for the record, Beavis & Butthead RULED!!! The creator of that series, Mike Judge, is a fucking billionaire, which means he has an audience, (as do I, on a much smaller scale). The point is, careful not to twist your spider-veined ankle stepping off that soapbox. What’s entertaining to the masses is what sells, and I don’t believe for one minute that you’re sitting on your bunk bed every night watching PBS and listening to classical music.

Then again, Slutty did say you were president of the chess club, (yeah, that’s where I got my earlier reference). She really does have a big fucking mouth, which ain’t doing my cock no favors. Ironically though, I find the braces appealing.

SICK!!! I’M SICK!!! SICK I TELL YOU!!!

6. Internet celebrity? Internet celebrity?!?

BWAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAA!!!!!! You’re a celebrity? God, I better shut up before your adoring public chases me down and gives me flying spin kicks and shoulder throws and whatever-the-hell-else-you-think-sounds badass.

No, Slappy. I’m definitely not an internet celebrity- at least not yet. My site gets a mere 50 to 100 hits a day, and compared to some of the other guys out there, I’m no more than a pimple on the ass of widespread notoriety. Ah, but I never claimed to be as much. What I said, is that YOU dream of being an internet celebrity, so much so that it fills your masturbatory fantasies.

This brings us to the heart of the matter… if what I write sucks so much ass, why do you keep coming back?

Kinda ruins your shit, don’t it?

Tell the truth, you’re jerking of right now. And tomorrow at your weakly Dungeon Master’s meeting, I’ll bet dollars to donuts that you’ll be squealing with delight as you tell all your buddies how I gave you the time of day.

“GO HERE! GO HERE!” you’ll email them later with this link, then adding, “THAT’S ME!!! I’M SLAPPY WHITE!!! AND MIKE DESCADO HAS ACTUALLY BANGED MY SISTER!!!”

Of course, the latter point won’t generate much enthusiasm since your sister’s gone down on everything but the Challenger space shuttle. Regardless, you’ll bask in the little taste of attention I’ve given you, and then stab out a reply on your state-of-the-art laptop which cost a whole summer’s worth of back-ally blowjobs to pay for.

I don’t take offense to your parasitic attacks, mind you. In point of fact, I’ve been a little starved for material lately. I can’t really write about my recent trip to the Oakley Academy of TaeKwonDo here in Asheville, (http://www.oakleytaekwondo.org/), because those guys were way too nice for me to bad mouth. Nor can I write about last week’s visit to Norton’s Bar and Grill for redneck Karaoke night… because I’m about to go there again in about 20 minutes.

I doubt you will, but please, PLEASE reply, Slappy Rapevictim. As in combat, without opposition, my talents go largely unused…

7. You suck… ah HAAAA!!! Deal with that, Michael Descado!!!

I think I’ve “dealt” with it sufficiently above. If you disagree, do my bidding. Continue your pawnship in my chess game. You like chess, right?

Play me…

-Mike

P.S. I WAS one of the sailors!!! Deal with that, Slappy White!!!


				*The Chronicles of Descado* *Conversations with Slappy White*



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		August 5^th, 2005 In January of this year, I started getting semi-hate posts on Mike’s Forum from this douche who calls himself “Slappy White”. At first I thought it was one of my buddies fooling around, and I didn’t give Slappy much notice. His posts were short and stupid, and lacked anything I could make funny by replying to. Over the last EIGHT months, he’s chimed in at random intervals, but- again- never with any criticism that I could use. The other day, however, he did it again, and I was just bored and drunk enough at the time to give him a little literary “fuck you!” to chew on. This has since turned into a pretty humorous dialogue, and I figured I’d put it all together as an entry on the main site. It’s Pretty self-explanatory. So, without further ado, I give you, *Conversations with Slappy: (Posted in order of appearance on the forum, his are in red, mine are in blue. Minor corrections have been made for punctuation and an utter lack of capitalization.) You are so frigging gay! …the whole lot of you. Grow up, move out of Mom’s basement, get laid and SHUT UP! You babble incessantly about your prowess, and you write without end about stuff that is MEANINGLESS, TRITE, and TESTOSTERONE-LADEN CRAP. Get a real life, people. Join the real world. Or, barring that- SHUT THE HELL UP!!! * RE: You are so frigging gay! You sound very angry, Slappy, but I don’t see why you feel the need to take it out on me. I wasn’t one of the sailors. I just wasn’t, and no matter how much the writing on this website reminds you of those smelly, brutish fellows, you need to understand that it’s not my fault. And I’ll tell you another thing, it’s not your fault either. Remember that, Slappy, and say it with me… “It’s not your fault.” I mean, there’s no way you could’ve known what kind of establishment you were walking into. A tavern’s a tavern in Thailand, and who could expect a bright eyed young man on his senior trip to know that the sign over the entrance that read, “Mung Jo Lao’s”, translates to “American Boy Fisters.” It’s not your fault. You didn’t speak the language, so when those sailors took you in the back for what YOU thought was a totally heterosexual guy-on-guy massage, you would’ve had no way of knowing the manner of lubeless butt pounding that would ensue. I talked to your sister about this at length, and while (by the way) she’s quite fond of the occasional stool push, she’s much, much, much, much more sexually experienced than you. As such, I totally understand the effect that it’s had on you. Trying to pick up the jagged pieces of a broken life can be hard, but try to understand, you’re among friends. No one will judge you on this website no matter HOW freak nasty you are. Yes, you enjoyed being reamed by six members of Thailand’s canoe navy. So what? It’s not your fault that you liked it, anymore than it’s your fault that it happened. Don’t push us away, Slappy. We’re here to help you, (though not in the sweaty “man” way you’re used to). Let the healing begin. * RE: RE: You are so frigging gay! Gee, Mike- you seem so knowledgeable of eastern homosexual activity. Odd. Homophobe or homo? Hmmm? (And, by the way- you never rebutted anything I said, so I must assume that amidst all the homoerotic banter that you know it’s all true.) * You gonna bark all day, little doggy? I’ve never been to Thailand, and the only things I know about your personally-crippling experience, come from your sister. I didn’t wanna say this before, but given her propensity to get blasted in the ass, I’m somewhat surprised that you’re as messed up as you are. I mean, genetically, wouldn’t you also have a predisposition towards anal whoretry? Word on the internet suggests that your mother likes it nasty too, but maybe such a thing is passed on only through the male’s chromosomes. Regardless, what exactly do you want me to REBUT to? (Pardon the pun). I mean, my mother lives in Greenville Mississippi. I live in Asheville North Carolina. Unless the mechanics of Physics have been somehow altered, I cannot possibly live in her basement. As far as getting laid, well, your sister can settle the score on that affair, though I don’t really consider it “sex” since she paid me. Moving on, why do you think that what I write about my “prowess” is meaningless or trite or testosterone-laden crap? Can you offer arguments to the contrary? Can you state WHY you think a pass/takedown/sidemount/shoulder dislocation is ineffective? Can you intelligently support your statement that people on this website, “Have no lives”? Such things are unequivocally necessary for debate. Without them, there’s no reason, nor chance, nor opportunity for rebuttal. Haven’t you watched Crossfire? You can’t address arguments unless arguments are given. You haven’t given any. You’ve just said, “You suck… ah HAAAA!!! Deal with that, Michael Descado!!!” And then you scamper away into a corner and jerk off to your dreams of being an internet celebrity. Step up to the plate and state your case, Slappy Rapevictim. Otherwise, shut the fuck up. Much better cyberspace wannabe’s than you have come and gone on my little corner of the web. I’d invite you to go blow yourself, but I bet your dick’s even smaller than mine… *** RE: You gonna bark all day, little doggy? A couple of points- in bullet form to make them simpler to understand for you and your simpleton brethren… (A couple of counterpoints- also in bullet form because it’s easier to show what a disgruntled sheephumper you are…) 1. I don’t have a sister. -LIAR!!! Lemme’ get this straight, you share a bunk bed and matching Star Wars sheets with a nubile young 18 year old with blond hair named Slutty White who’s NOT your sister? Yeah, dream on president of the chess club. There’s no WAY you could live with a chick that fine if she wasn’t related by blood. She’s already ratted you out anyway. Mommy pays your rent in exchange for you cutting the grass. Didn’t think I’d know that, huh poser? Mess with da bull, you get horned… And by the way, while Wonder Woman Underoos are HOT on your sister, they creep me out on you. She showed me a picture, and though I never dreamed I’d ever have to say this to another grown man… Dude, you need to clip those pubes. It looks like Buckwheat tried to headbutt you in the crotch and got stuck. EWWWW!!! I don’t know why your sister chose that moment to shove said Polaroid in my face, (second’s after a Dirty Sanchez), but I’m pretty sure I won’t be having another erection until Labor Day. 2. “Your writings are meaningless.” Perhaps I have misspoken. I should have said, “Your writings are, at best, time-wasting drivel, less than mildly entertaining, and largely infantile. A waste of bandwidth.” Well, since Tripod is a free server, it’s my bandwidth to waste. Still, have you seen some of the other literary ASS that passes for writing on the net?!? Believe me, it could be worse. I could be posting pictures of puppies with names and shit. Or, Royce forbid, that Polaroid of you and your sister playing monopoly on a Saturday night in your Underoos. GOD DAMN!!! I can’t get that image out of my mind. Word of advice… cross-legged is not the posture for you. 3. “Testosterone-laden crap.” Precisely what I said is what I meant- and it is testosterone laden. Asskicking, boobies, and fart jokes. Boobies, beer, and fart jokes. (In my best Butthead form) “Huh huh, huh. He said boobies, huh, huh.” Ya know, I don’t remember ever making fart jokes. But then, I could be wrong. I have a feeling you’ve read every single story on my site two or three times, and if YOU say I joked about farts, I can’t disagree. Still, maybe you meant “shit jokes”, and in that case I’d say you’re dead wrong. There’s nothing funny about shit. It has manifested itself as my adversary in many, many venues, and I’ll thank you not to comment further. For both our sakes, Slappy, do not anger it… 4. “Can you state WHY you think a pass/takedown/sidemount/shoulder dislocation is ineffective?” Did I write that? Nope. Reading, it’s fundamental. You’ve got me there, Slappy. You didn’t specifically dismiss that or any of the other combative technique I’ve referenced over the last year and a half. You merely spewed a blanket condemnation of my martial offerings. Why is that, by the way? Oh wait, I know… BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW *DICK* ABOUT FIGHTING!!! Hey, no problem. I wish there were more people like you. Unfortunately, even in 2005 America, there are predators in the world- their numbers only slightly less than those who claim to be able to, “*deal with ‘em.” For those who know enough to “know”, I’m providing a valuable public service. I address the blind devotion and unsubstantiated dogmas inherent within the martial arts community, and then expose them as the bullshit they are. Yes, writing is a poor excuse for personal instruction, but if even ONE of my readers has been prompted to question the merit of what they train- I’m doing something worthwhile. Much better to change and adapt, than to learn the hard way through numerous assbeatings. At the end of the day, I genuinely hope I’ve saved some young pup out there a face full of scar tissue. Every time I get a hair cut and glimpse the lingering bone spurs beneath my forehead, I wish someone had done as much for me. 5. “Can you intelligently support your statement that people on this website, ‘have no lives’?” Read 3, above. I s’pose Beavis and Butthead got nuthin’ on y’all. Either the folks that dig your stuff are 14, or they really, sincerely need to grow up, cut the mullet and dear ol’ Mommy. I’m sure she’s pretty frigging happy about that one. You’re such a big, independent boy, aren’t you? Wow, Poser White. That was quite an impressive display of vernacular slang. Watch MTV much? Using pseudo-conjunctions like “s’pose” or “nuthin’” (or “wanna” or “lemme’”, for that matter), only works if you have the skill to put ‘em in context. You have been measured, and found lacking. Leave the funny stuff to me, Fitty’ Cent. You don’t secure “coolness” or anything by trying to be hip. Stick with what you’re best at… which is being a whiney vagina. And just for the record, Beavis & Butthead RULED!!! The creator of that series, Mike Judge, is a fucking billionaire, which means he has an audience, (as do I, on a much smaller scale). The point is, careful not to twist your spider-veined ankle stepping off that soapbox. What’s entertaining to the masses is what sells, and I don’t believe for one minute that you’re sitting on your bunk bed every night watching PBS and listening to classical music. Then again, Slutty did* say you were president of the chess club, (yeah, that’s where I got my earlier reference). She really does have a big fucking mouth, which ain’t doing my cock no favors. Ironically though, I find the braces appealing. SICK!!! I’M SICK!!! SICK I TELL YOU!!! 6. Internet celebrity? Internet celebrity?!? BWAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAA!!!!!! You’re a celebrity? God, I better shut up before your adoring public chases me down and gives me flying spin kicks and shoulder throws and whatever-the-hell-else-you-think-sounds badass. No, Slappy. I’m definitely not an internet celebrity- at least not yet. My site gets a mere 50 to 100 hits a day, and compared to some of the other guys out there, I’m no more than a pimple on the ass of widespread notoriety. Ah, but I never claimed to be as much. What I said, is that YOU dream of being an internet celebrity, so much so that it fills your masturbatory fantasies. This brings us to the heart of the matter… if what I write sucks so much ass, why do you keep coming back? Kinda ruins your shit, don’t it? Tell the truth, you’re jerking of right now. And tomorrow at your weakly Dungeon Master’s meeting, I’ll bet dollars to donuts that you’ll be squealing with delight as you tell all your buddies how I gave you the time of day. “GO HERE! GO HERE!” you’ll email them later with this link, then adding, “THAT’S ME!!! I’M* SLAPPY WHITE!!! AND MIKE DESCADO HAS ACTUALLY BANGED MY SISTER!!!” Of course, the latter point won’t generate much enthusiasm since your sister’s gone down on everything but the Challenger space shuttle. Regardless, you’ll bask in the little taste of attention I’ve given you, and then stab out a reply on your state-of-the-art laptop which cost a whole summer’s worth of back-ally blowjobs to pay for. I don’t take offense to your parasitic attacks, mind you. In point of fact, I’ve been a little starved for material lately. I can’t really write about my recent trip to the Oakley Academy of TaeKwonDo* here in Asheville, (http://www.oakleytaekwondo.org/), because those guys were way too nice for me to bad mouth. Nor can I write about last week’s visit to Norton’s Bar and Grill for redneck Karaoke night… because I’m about to go there again in about 20 minutes. I doubt you will, but please, PLEASE reply, Slappy Rapevictim. As in combat, without opposition, my talents go largely unused… 7. You suck… ah HAAAA!!! Deal with that, Michael Descado!!! I think I’ve “dealt” with it sufficiently above. If you disagree, do my bidding. Continue your pawnship in my chess game. You like chess, right? Play me… -Mike P.S. I WAS one of the sailors!!! Deal with that, Slappy White!!!