As of right now, I have no plans to run for this office in 2004. HOWEVER, 2008 is another story, for I'm presently at work putting together a platform of legalized drugs, legalized prostitution, and legalized midget boxing. If I'm successful, I will be the first president in our nation's history that will negotiate foreign policy by BEATING PEOPLES' ASSES!!!

Don't like that trade embargo, Ackmed? Well, how 'bout a gut punch! WHAM!!!

Oh look, another protest by PETA.

"Fur is murder!!! Fur is murder!!!"

President Mike: "No, you hippie blackfoot communist pinko meatheads, THIS is murder!!!"

click... click... SHOTGUN BLAST TO THE RECTUM!!!

I would kick so much ass, my official title would be Commander and Chief of RUINING YOUR SHIT!!! Here are some of the things I'd stand for.

Capital punishment by public execution: If you're found guilty of murder, YOU DIE!!! No appeals, no long, drawn out stay on death row; you're immediately taken out in front of the courthouse and shot in the head.

"But Mike?!?" you cry, "What about those who are wrongly convicted?"

Well, as Mr. Spock put it, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, and with the advent of DNA identification technology, that "few" is very, very, very few indeed. Besides, you can't make an omelet without scrambling a few eggs. As it stands, criminals in this country are made into victims, and I've fucking had it! You wanna lower the homicide rate? Publicly disembowel convicted murderers. Wanna stop the date rape epidemic? Castrate a few sexual predators. Wanna stop spousal abuse? Put me in a room with the punk ass that hit his wife and let me work on my leg submissions full speed.

THAT'S how crime is deterred!!!

As for the drug problem, well, let people do what they want. In fact, a lot of that stuff should be legalized so we can tax the shit out of it and use the money to better educate our thug ass kids. Marijuana is no worse than drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes, and the ones that are into harder stuff usually take care of themselves in the evolutionary sense. I mean, really, if people wanna overdose and kill themselves on crack, LET THEM!!! We've got way too many humans on this planet already, and if you're stupid enough to tie a tourniquet around your bicep and inject heroin directly into your bloodstream, I've got a funny feeling you're not contributing too much to the greater good anyway.

Okay, what else do I stand for? Oh yeah, abortion. Again, let people do what they want. We've got way too many fifteen year olds having kids and raising them in trailer parks where they grow up to be as useless as their uneducated high school drop out parents. Listen up, you self righteous, bible thumping, religious zealot dipshits... MIND YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!!! If you wanna dismiss steadfast scientific principles in lieu of mythology, fine, your loss, (actually, it's your gain because ignorance really is bliss). But don't fuck the rest of us by lobbying against planned parenthood.

Oh, you're gonna teach abstinence instead? Great, I'm all for that, but don't fool yourself. Kids are gonna have sex. Take your head outta of the sand! We need to be doing EVERYTHING WE CAN to limit unintended pregnancies, and I'd even extend this to limiting the number of children you are allowed to have BY LAW.

If you're on food stamps or welfare, where the hell do you get off having seven kids?!?

I say, individuals unable to support themselves get one kid, two at the most. After that, government financial aid is DECREASED for each subsequent child, (rather than increased). By the way, are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Let me get this straight, a single, unwed, uneducated, unemployed, crack whore mother gets MORE money for spawning a horde of future criminals?

Yeah, that makes sense...

Cut the money off, and you'll see how suddenly people remember to use condoms. By that token, abortions should be state funded, and for the same population control reasons I've mentioned above. And don't give me the "value of human life" crap. Lemme' tell ya something, we ain't all that. As a species, we do nothing but fuck up this planet, ourselves, and every other living thing. You know how many magnificent creatures we've caused the extinction of...?

Uh, I don't know either, but I know it's a lot!

Where's the value of THAT life? You don't see squirrels in the park destroying everything they can get their hands on. They live in harmony, (for the most part), with their environment. Squirrels are better than us. And what about dolphins? I heard somewhere that dolphins have 30% larger cranial capacity than humans. If those chirping sons of bitches ever evolve opposable thumbs, man, we're fucked!

Where the hell am I going with this? Oh yeah, the value we place on human life is abominably absurd given the virus-like qualities of our species, and again, there's a continuing population explosion going on. Tens of thousands die every day from starvation, and you wanna give some poor mother shit for being responsible enough to have an abortion and NOT contribute to the problem. Man, eat me!

Seriously, if you personally wanna raise and educate that child with money from your own pocket, then fine. I'll shut up. If not, find some other cause to champion, LIKE TAKING CARE OF THE HUMANS ALREADY ON THIS PLANET!!!

I'm on a role here, so I'll keep going. How about education? Here in North Carolina, the average teacher starts out at about $27,000 a year. That is re-god-damn-diculous! Especially when I see dumb as shit football, basketball, and baseball players making millions upon millions for playing a damn game. How about this, the next time a professional athlete is busted for a drug offense, or for raping or shooting somebody, have a percentage of their salary permanently garnished, (in addition to actually PROSECUTING them). The freed up funds could go to teacher salaries in the athlete's state. Sound good to you?

So let it be written.

I also think that corporal punishment in schools should be brought back, but have the parents do the actual spanking. "Oh, little Johnny called his teacher a bitch in class?" How 'bout the principle calls little Johnny's deadbeat dad down to the school to BEAT HIS SON'S ASS!!!

Moving on to separation of church and state. Ya know, I don't mind if it says "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. I'm not an anal retentive prick like Michael Newdow, and really, it doesn't specify which "God" our nation is "under". Could be Thor for all I know. But what's with that judge thinking he can put the ten commandments up outside a public fucking courthouse?!? Oh, I'm sorry, I missed the mass conversion of everyone in America to Christianity or Judaism. Where the hell do these motherfuckers get off?

I'm not a Christian OR a Jew, but I'm sure as shit an United States citizen who pays taxes, and that courthouse belongs to ALL of us, not just the religious nuts. That particular incident really got me steamed, because once you allow religion to influence politics, policy begins to be shaped by the faith-based, (not fact-based), ideas of the few in power, usually at the expense of anyone different. Anybody recall the Salem Witch Trails? The Spanish Inquisition? Nazi Germany? All were horrendous movements justified by faith-based beliefs. Government should be religion free, in fact, it should be a science... objective, rational, and unbiased.

Well, there's my platform. If you like what you hear, look for me on the 2008 ballet. I'll be listed under the "I'm not a dumbass" party.

Power to the people!